Grindhouse

Cannibal Holocaust, I Spit on Your Grave, The Beyond, and Thriller: A Cruel Picture are all films that I hold close to my heart. You can call these films a number of things. This includes exploitation, trash, art, and masterpieces. But please don’t call these films “grindhouse.” That word has been tainted by Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodríguez. Once again this duo has proved their contempt for originality and ability to butcher genre upon genre. But this time they have gone too far.

Tarantino and Rodriquez thought it would be cute to make a “grindhouse” double feature. Death Proof and Planet Terror are these fan boys new crime. I originally told myself I wouldn't watch Grindhouse but I gave in. As much as I was bored by Kill Bill and Sin City, I had to see those two butt buddies takes on the “grindhouse” film.


Since my hatred runs much more deep for Tarantino, I decided to watch Rodriquez’s Planet Terror first. The whole film was a complete piece of trash. This is the only characteristic that it had in common with any “grindhouse” film. But I must admit that I was entertained. It had enough gore and disgusting stuff to keep my interest. I just wish that I could have personally killed the midget El Wray. Rodriquez really must have no idea what makes a bad ass. El Wray may possibly be the weakest, ugliest, and lamest “badass” in film history. I hope this character was a joke. Rodriquez gets off easy with Planet Terror. I just hope that he doesn’t think he’s an innovative director. He needs to watch other films besides ones directed by Sergio Leone.

Tarantino’s Death Proof is probably the most embarrassing movie I have seen all year. The rumors of Tarantino frying his brain on ecstasy must be true. Death Proof’s dialogue is even more horribly contrived than ever. I have always found Tarantino’s dialogue to be boring verbal masturbation and Death Proof’s dialogue can’t even get up. Tarantino is constantly praised for his dialogue and obsession with creating the anti-film(which he stole from Godard, among other things). He has also been praised as a self trained movie scholar. Too bad Tarantino generally has shitty taste in both film and music. His films are highly reflective of that.

Death Proof is another “girl power” flick. Tarantino loves tough girls and women’s empowerment. I wonder if Tarantino is funded by the “Bolsheviks of America.” The Bolsheviks loved having women being killed in war and cheap death. I was exhilarated when the first car of girls was demolished. Kudos to Tarantino for killing the ones he loves. Tarantino always has a way of mixing death and violence with humor. 99% of the time he fails. For once he accomplished this with the dismemberment of some stoned drug bitches leg via car window.

Of course, both Death Proof and Planet Terror features cameos from Tarantino. I don’t know why Tarantino would think people are interested in seeing his big chin and hearing his coke driven voice. At least Alfred Hitchcock’s cameos were subtle and entertaining. Tarantino wants to put his big tongue in your mouth. Spooky Eli Roth also makes an awkward cameo in Death Proof. Tarantino must have realized how much Roth really loves him. Both “directors” should have cut their appearances.

Grindhouse also comes equipped with faux trailers of movies inspired be the real grindhouse flicks. Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS was probably the first film Tarantino jerked off to in the theaters. Grindhouse was also made grainy to give it a classic real grindhouse look. I just thought it was lame and cheap(and not in a good way). If Tarantino and Rodriquez love Grindhouse films so much they should have invested money in having the best of them restored. The only thing these guys did was commit celluloid blasphemy.

-Ty E