Jesus Is a Palestinian

While I typically find Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens fan-boys to be even more hateful and annoying than the philistine Evangelical Christians that they love to hate, nothing is more patently pathetic and ludicrously laughable than the sort of spiritually and racially retarded whites who adopt alien religions and find themselves worshiping some turd-skinned charlatan with a special craving for female Europid meat. Indeed, I am talking about people like David Lynch who subscribe to phoney bullshit religious cults like the neo-Hindu Transcendental Meditation (TM) movement, which is backed by rich white Americans and Europeans who somehow found themselves brainwashed by an elderly Indian hedonist who tells his members to refrain from sex while he secretly defiles all of his white female followers and flies around the world in fancy jets. Unfortunately, aside from a handful of examples like George A. Romero’s Dawn of the Dead (1978), which hilariously symbolically features white Hare Krishna zombies, there are not too many films that mock this rather retarded phenomenon that reached its peak during the counterculture era yet still unfortunately lives on today. Luckily, there is a little known Dutch film, Jezus is een Palestijn (1999) aka Jesus Is a Palestinian directed by Lodewijk Crijns (Met grote blijdschap aka With Great Joy, Loverboy), that not only makes a major mockery out of mindless white pseudo-Hindus but retarded religious cults led by third world charlatans in general that promote a sort of slave-morality oriented weltanschauung. In fact, on top of parodying trendy religious cults, the film also assaults various other forms of odious Occidental decay that are especially prevalent in Western European nations like the Netherlands, including self-mutilation (ranging from stupid piercings and other forms of so-called body modification to ‘cutting’), mindless post-sexual liberation hedonism, so-called multiculturalism, rampant sexual and romantic dysfunction, and even incest, among other things. In a more anachronistic sense, the film also parodies millennialism and the religious retardation that accompanied that, with an obscenely ugly and swarthy Arab prophesying a counterfeit towelhead Palestinian Christ that of course never actually appears in the end. The film is notable for being partly set in the Amsterdam multicultural slum of Bijlmermeer (colloquially known as ‘Bijlmer’) which is famous for the Bijlmerramp (aka “Bijlmer disaster”) when the state-owned Israeli airline cargo aircraft El Al Flight 1862 crashed into some ghetto apartment buildings on 4 October 1992 in what is notable for not only being the deadliest aviation incident to ever occur in the Netherlands, but also because no one really knows how many people died in the crash because there were so many undocumented third world alien negroes from places like Ghana and Suriname that were squatting there at the time.  In an almost sadistically sardonic scenario that the Hebraic gatekeepers of Hollywood would never dare touch, Crijns actually mocks the Bijlmer crash and the fact that the area is more or less a multicultural human garbage dump that is inhabited by people with prehistoric mindsets.  Indeed, Jesus Is a Palestinian is an almost pathologically politically incorrect work where the only people that belong to religious cults are white mental and/or physical cripples and ignorant and superstitious barbarians and savages of dubious racial origin from the third world. Featuring quasi-pornographic imagery of unsimulated sex and mirthfully misanthropic humor that unwittingly exposes the sheer and utter lack of testicular fortitude that is involved in the crappy kosher comedies of hymie would-be-humorists like Judd Apatow, Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill Feldstein, and other creators of philo-Semitic twaddle, Crijns’ film is an admirable debut feature from a Dutch filmmaker that would ultimately beat Hollywood at their own goofy con game.  If you're looking for low-class celluloid trash of the comically crazed sort that genuinely makes a mockery of certain Occidental taboos, you probably cannot do better than Jesus Is a Palestinian.

 After beginning with a megalomaniacal quote from self-described messiah David Koresh, Jesus Is a Palestinian introduces pathetic protagonist ‘Ramses’ (played by popular Dutch comedian Hans Teeuwen, who was responsible for the idea for Theo van Gogh’s Interview (2003) starring Katja Schuurman) as his cult member comrade describes how the members of the American branch of their neo-Hindu cult are involved in drilling holes in their legs where “esoteric smoke” is blown which apparently “goes straight to your bone marrow” and “creates an immediate expansion of consciousness.”  Indeed, aside from wearing retarded monk-like robes, the members of the cult are covered with various grotesque body piercings that they absurdly believe give them special spiritual powers.  By the end of the film, every member of the cult that Ramses belongs to will has have holes drilled into their legs with a power drill at the demand of their elderly lunatic Indian leader ‘Guru Adi Da Kahn’ (Anis de Jong), but before then the protagonist will temporary leave his Limburg-based farm commune and take a ‘spiritual journey’ of sorts in his hometown in Amsterdam where he temporary discovers sex and independent thinking, among other things that any healthy and normal person could not live without. Indeed, at the beginning of the film, Ramses’ long estranged sister Natasja (actress and screenwriter Kim van Kooten of Robert Jan Westdijk’s Zusje (1995) aka Little Sister) shows up at the Limburg commune and demands to see her brother, but the group’s creepily pedantic white cuckold sect leader (Pieter Bouwman) attempts to stop that. Luckily for Ramses, his sister Natasja is an exceedingly arrogant and aggressive bitch who does whatever she wants and she certainly has no problem pushing the neo-Hare Krishna automatons out of the way to get to her brother, who is in the process of decapitating a chicken when she finally finds him. An ex-cutter and glue sniffer who “sniffed so much glue that his nasal septum started to disappear,” 25-year-old Ramses was eventually ‘rescued’ by the Hindu cult about 8 years ago and is somewhat taken aback when his sister approaches him and demands that he come back with her to Amsterdam to see their dying father who apparently wants to see him one last time before he kicks the bucket. 

 While Ramses is eventually granted permission by the guru to leave the commune to see his dying father, he is told by his sect leader that he must come back before the “bone marrow experiment” which “has to take place before Irion shifts out of the Aquarius zenith.” Ramses is also forced to take an oath and, as he states, “I’ll be cast out and my future will be grim,” if he breaks it. Before leaving, Ramses has a sort of mini ‘crown of thorns’ painfully pierced to his penis head by the Guru so that he cannot enter the “forbidden zone” (aka fuck). Unbeknownst to virgin Ramses, his big sister Natasja lives with a busty, if not conspicuously chubby and moronic, blonde sub-babe named Lonneke (Dijn Blom) and he will soon find himself wanting to pound her completely shaved puss. Since the little beast is his best friend, Ramses also smuggles his black baby pig ‘Mustafa’ out of the commune and brings it with him to Amsterdam without his sister's knowledge. Upon arriving in Amsterdam, Ramses is quite annoyed to learn that his sister has not only lied to him about his father (Peer Mascini) wanting to talk to him since he has apparently been comatose for about four months, but also that Natasja is also involved in a conspiracy with the evil head doctor to have the old man euthanized, which the protagonist ultimately refuses to allow. Eventually, Ramses discovers that his father is faking being unconscious because, to quote the old man, “If people don’t take me seriously, I don’t take them seriously.” Ultimately, Ramses’ father wants him to “take me to the messiah.” Indeed, a Palestinian Christian charlatan named Rashid (Moroccan comedian Najib Amhali) is peddling a scam that the messiah will come back in Palestinian form and will arrive on the roof of a Bijlmer ghetto apartment. Indeed, Ramses even buys some ‘holy’ Christ grade palm cream, which is regularly used by limbless residents of Bijlmer to put on their nubs, from Rashid and puts it on his father.  Ramses' father acknowledges that he was a terrible parent and judging by the fact that both of his children are major fuck-ups with serious mental illnesses, the viewer does not doubt this, so no he naturally seeks to be redeemed for his sins and Rashid claims to have exactly what he is looking for.

 As hinted by the fact that they take showers together, Natasja and her roommate Lonneke are involved in a quasi-lesbian relationship where the latter has devoted herself to being dominated by the former. Despite the fact that she is an aggressive slut who seems to fuck a different guy every single night, Natasja has completely cuckolded Lonneke and brainwashed her into rejecting romantic relationships and into thinking all men are scumbags who only want to get into her panties, yet she soon begins to fall in love for Ramses and the two eventually get involved a doomed and rather pathetic love affair. Indeed, after Natasja kicks him out of her apartment when he accidentally exposes her having sex with some random guy named Bob at party and he moves into his hospitalized father’s old apartment, Ramses beings developing what might be described as a personality of his own. Of all people, Ramses decides to confide in overzealous Christian conman Rashid about romantic advice regarding Lonneke and before he knows it, he is cutting off his retarded Hindu haircut and wearing relatively normal clothes. Meanwhile, the Guru and his cult members begin stalking Ramses and when they randomly show up at his apartment and attempt to drill a hole into his leg with an electric power-drill, he actually manages to stand up for himself, escapes from the Hindu automatons, and seeks shelter with Lonneke, who later helps him take the ghastly ‘cross of thorns’ lock off his virginal penis. Of course, as an overweight cutter whose back is covered with scars as a result of self-mutilation, Lonneke is not quite right in the head and weeps and freaks out anytime Ramses attempts to have sex with her. As someone that is brainwashed by a dumb bitch and slut like Natasja, Lonneke is, not unlike Ramses, a weak-willed follower who cannot stand on her own two feet, thus her and the protagonist’s romance is doomed to fail even though the two seem to be made for one another. 

 While Ramses manages to eventually have sex with Lonneke after various failed attempts to insert his ramrod into her shaved gash (which my girlfriend notably described as resembling chicken skin), she sobs the entire time like a pathetic child and then proceeds to mutilate herself afterwards while mega-bitch Natasja pretends to comfort her in an attempt to emotionally manipulate her. Meanwhile, the Guru and his followers accidentally run over poor piglet Mustafa with their commune van and break his back, so Ramses is forced to put the animal out of its misery. Killing the pig ultimately comes in handy, as Ramses is later forced to do the same to his father after Rashid pseudo-redeems him of his sins before dropping dead himself upon falsely mistaking a wayward jet for the second coming of the Palestinian messiah. Indeed, when his father says “Lord, deliver me,” Ramses crushes his head with a cement block to end his suffering and then he and his sister symbolically put their dead daddy’s corpse inside a cave. In the end, Ramses proves that he is a perennial follower by going back to the commune in Limburg and Adi Da Kahn aka ‘Kangaroo’ (as people oftentimes mistakenly call him) reluctantly agrees to allow him to stay. While Lonneke is waiting for Ramses when he gets back to the commune, there is no happy ending as the lovers agree to go their separate ways.  While Lonneke has decided that she wants to learn to be independent and demonstrates it by rejecting a ride back to Amsterdam from Natasja, Ramses accepts the fact that he is a weak and meek follower who has no problem taking orders from an eccentric old Indian fart who demands that he mutilated his body. In the end, Guru Kahn and all of his followers, including Ramses, get high by collectively smoking a hookah that is connected to all of them via the holes that have been drilled through their legs. 

 Undoubtedly, one of my biggest complaints regarding Jesus Is a Palestinian is that, for all of its religion mocking, it never once parodies Judaism and its obscenely outmoded traditions like brit milah circumcision ceremonies where a so-called ‘mohel’ circumcises a baby boy and then sucks blood from the child’s penis (!).  Indeed, for all the mocking that Jewish comedians, filmmakers, and newscasters do of Christianity, their own all the more absurdly outmoded religion provides a goldmine worth of comedic gold material to work with.  Luckily, although he never really attacked Judaism as a religion, Lodewijk Crijns would later satire the hypocritical behavior of liberal Jews in his most popular and successful film Alleen maar nette mensen (2012) aka Only Decent People, which depicts the hilarity that ensues when a young Hebrew decides he wants to find himself a black beauty with a ghetto booty and ultimately finds himself ostracized from his oh-so-proper kosher community. Notably, Jesus Is a Palestinian star Kim van Kooten would later collaborate with Crijns on his second feature Met grote blijdschap (2001) aka With Great Joy, which she co-penned the screenplay for.  Out of all of the filmmaker's work, With Great Joy is notable for being Crijns’ sole dark and serious drama, so it should be no surprise that the absurdist auteur has described it as his least favorite film. Undoubtedly, while watching a scene at the beginning of Jesus Is a Palestinian where the protagonist's sister shows up at the cult commune and the mindless follows stare at her as if she is the weirdo, I felt as if I was watching a sort of anti-The Wicker Man (1973), as the group certainly completely lacks the mystique, aesthetic potency, and sensuality that made the pagans of Robin Hardy’s film seem so intriguing and strangely likeable. Indeed, if for nothing else, Crijns’ film is important in that it takes a rather incendiary and even iconoclastic approach to satirizing weak and spiritually retarded xenophiliac white people who adopt increasingly trendy religions from the third world, as if mindlessly following elderly brown egomaniacs will result in them obtaining some sort of secret knowledge that will enable them to experience serenity and nirvana or something. As someone that regards Siddhartha (1922) as Hermann Hesse’s most obscenely overrated book and considers David Lynch’s increasing obsession with Transcendental Meditation to be at least partially responsible for the decline of his talent as a filmmaker, I could not help but delight in Crijns’ film, even if it is more or less the cinematic equivalent of Mad magazine, albeit thankfully much more graphic and subversive. Indeed, it is not every day that you see a film where a pornographic joke is made of an ex-glue-sniffer turned neo-Hindu moron repeatedly failing to properly insert his cock into a cunt hole. Indeed, Jesus Is a Palestinian ultimately feels the result of what might happen if Teutonic aesthetic terrorist Christoph Schlingensief had attempted to direct a Hollywood comedy, as it ultimately makes Superbad (2007) and The Hangover (2009) seem like Disney movies that were specially tailored for autistic schoolchildren. 

-Ty E