Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Belle (1973)




If there is one theme that seems to tie together all the works of the great Belgian master auteur André Delvaux (The Man Who Had His Hair Cut Short, Rendez-vous à Bray), it is that virtually all of the male protagonists of his films are weak intellectuals of the mentally feeble, sexually underwhelmed, pathologically passive and/or cuckolded sort. While I think Delvaux is indubitably one of the greatest and most underrated post-WWII auteur filmmakers as a man whose lesser works are even still at least minor masterpieces, I have to admit that I oftentimes get the urge to slap the shit out of the prosaic pansy ass protagonists of his films, especially the mustached Walloon wuss lead of the director’s fourth feature Belle (1973) who epitomizes virtually everything that is insufferable about intellectuals and academics. Indeed, the film might feature the most radically repugnant of all Delvaux’s male protagonists, as the character is a passively incestuous cuckolded coward and hopelessly banal beta-bitch whose much shorter coworker openly flirts with his wife in front of him and who has deep and undying erotic feelings for his debutante daughter. A pedantic romantic at heart of the failed poet sort that works as a literary professor and archivist who gives talks on outmoded 16th-century poets that only he seems to understand, the protagonist ultimately has an unexpected yet rather timely reawakening of the heart and soul upon randomly finding an eponymous feral-like foreign blonde babe roaming around the High Fens moors in East Belgian on the German border.  Of course, as one can expect from a Delvaux flick, one never knows whether or not Belle is a fetishistic figment of the protagonist's imagination or a living and breathing real-life forest femme fatale.  Clearly inspired by reading too much ancient frog poetry and perpetually worsening midlife crisis, the poindexter protagonist eventually becomes insanely jealous and obsessed with murdering his wood nymph mistress’ longhaired injun-like (boy)friend. A work that Delvaux described as being heavily inspired by Gérard de Nerval—one of the most essentially Romantic, albeit suicidal, of French poets who was once described by frog decadent poet Charles Baudelaire as having “delivered his soul in the darkest street that he could find”—Belle is the seamlessly oneiric tale of a middle-aged intellectual fool’s one last desperate attempt at chasing romance, passion, and life itself. Delvaux’s only film not adapted from a contemporary novel but based on an original script, the film successfully achieved the director’s self-described goal by creating an cinematic narrative the features an, “…alternation of reality and dream, one flowing into the other with no end.” Indeed, by the end of the film, it is impossible for the viewer to separate fact from but fantasy, but it is ultimately irrelevant as the protagonist’s patently perturbed and pornographically romantic psyche is what Belle is really about, as a work that poetically depicts the pathetic and deleterious extremes that most men, even those of the highly intelligent, seemingly level-headed, and relatively successful sort, will go for premium pussy of the ostensibly ‘mysterious’ sort. A work about a classicist who resents receiving the intellectually revolting gift of structuralist twaddle by the likes of Gérard Genette and Roland Barthes from his much hated future son-in-law, Delvaux’s film also creates a dichotomy between classic and modernist Occidental culture as a work that features immaculately woven hodgepodge of aesthetic influences ranging from Pieter Bruegel the Elder and Caspar David Friedrich to Paul Delvaux and René Magritte. Undoubtedly, if Delvaux was a master at something that few, if any, other filmmakers were capable, it was homogenizing the aesthetically ancient with hopelessly contemporary as Belle quite exquisitely demonstrates, though I have to assume the filmmaker had more respect and appreciation for the former as a man with an old soul who could not help but feel the taint of modernity. 





 At the beginning of Belle, less than happily married middle-aged protagonist Mathieu Grégoire (Swiss actor Jean-Luc Bideau of Alain Tanner’s Jonah Who Will Be 25 in the Year 2000 (1976) and François Girard’s The Red Violin (1998) aka Le violon rouge) receives a warm reception after giving a speech about Polish-French poet Guillaume Apollinaire where he describes how Dostoyevsky came to the Spa in Liège in Wallonia with the intention of gambling instead of writing. After the speech, some elderly old fart asks Mathieu when he plans to publish his work and the protagonist has to remind the seemingly mentally feeble fellow that it was not written by him but Apollinaire. While it is obvious that Mathieu would prefer being a real poet of distinction instead of reading and writing on the works of others, it is nearly impossible to make a living writing poetry in Belgium, or as a minor character insightfully states later in the film, “In Belgium, you can only publish poetry at your own expense or in magazines.” Instead, Mathieu is a literary professor turned museum archivist who spends a good portion of his time working with an annoying and ambiguously gay turd of a borderline midget co-worker named Victor (Roger Coggio) who incessantly flirts with the protagonist's wife Jeanne (Danièle Delorme) right in front of his face. Of course, since Mathieu is more sexually attracted to his adult daughter Marie (Stéphane Excoffier of Jos Stelling’s De wisselwachter (1986) aka The Pointsman) than his wife, he does not seem to mind too much.  Probably due to his unsavory sexual attraction to her, Mathieu finds in nearly impossible to communicate with his daughter Marie in a civil fashion and instead mocks her for looking supposedly ‘common’ because she wears brown stockings instead of white ones.  Although Mathieu is naturally unable to act on his sexual desire for his daughter, he will soon meet a strange foreign woman in the moors of High Fens located in the most uninhabited area of his province of Liège that will give him a much needed outlet for his incestuous urges. 





 At the beginning of the film after giving his Apollinaire reading, Mathieu goes outside the building where he gave the lecture and stares at his prized white Volvo while in a seemingly possessed state. Just because he feels like “driving around,” Mathieu heads to High Fens and almost crashes his car after an animal unexpectedly jumps out in front of his car. Upon investigating, Mathieu finds large drops of blood on the ground but cannot find the animal, so he decides to travel back to the very same location the next day where he hears an animal whimpering. Eventually, Mathieu spots a wounded German Shepherd that leads him to a ruined old cabin where he is quite startled to see a beauteous young foreign woman named Belle (Romanian actress Adriana Bogdan, who also appeared in Delvaux’s second feature Un soir, un train (1968) aka One Night… A Train) who does not speak French. Mathieu attempts to chase Belle and inform her that her dog needs to be put down, but before he can do it the delectable little dame kills the canine with a shotgun, immediately tosses the weapon in a bush as if she is repulsed with herself, and then begins sobbing hysterically. Assumedly inspired by his encounter with Belle, Mathieu goes home and, although neglecting to tell them of his strange encounter with the lady in the forest, proudly informs his wife and coworker Victor that his next big reading will be on French poetess Louise Labé, passionately stating, “The Beautiful Rope Maker…lover of ice and fire…Sixteenth-century sonnets. ‘I live, I die, I burn and I drown.’” When Victor expresses his concern that Labé may be too obscure for most people, the protagonist stoically, if not somewhat nonsensically, replies, “Physical love is their bread and butter.” That night after accusing his wife of carrying on an affair with Victor, Mathieu has an ominously orgasmic dream where takes his naked daughter to a train station and shamelessly makes out with her in front of some stranger onlookers. During the dream, Mathieu also tells his daughter how Belle “lost her dog,” thus establishing a link between the protagonist’s progeny and the wild woman in the woods.  Indeed, Mathieu may have created Belle in his own mind as an outlet for his seemingly unquenchable incestuous libido.





 Of course, Mathieu soon goes back to the moors and is disheartened to find Belle in a bedridden state in the attic of the terribly dilapidated cabin, but he wisely uses the opportunity to show the strange beauty his affection for her by nursing her back to health and she ultimately repays him with some passionate carnal action. Mathieu also loves Belle’s company because, as he states, “I can tell you everything because you understand nothing and say nothing.”  As a lovely looking lady the more or less lets him do what he wants with her, never complains, and listens to whatever he has to say, Belle is a figurative (and potentially literal) dream-girl, but of course, like all women, she eventually expects something from the protagonist.  While Mathieu’s sex life seems to have improved seemingly infinitely since starting his fairytale-like affair with Belle (at the beginning of the film, Marthieu's wife looks bored to death while he performs cunnilingus on her), his home life takes a turn for the worst after the protagonist learns that his beloved daughter is engaged to be married to a yippie-like four-eyed dork of the physically frail and obscenely gawky sort. Of course, Mathieu is also beyond displeased when he returns to Belle and find a young American-Indian-like fellow covered in animals furs that is simply known as the ‘stranger’ (Valerio Popesco) in her company. It does not take long before Mathieu begins getting murderously jealous of the stranger and when the Indian-like wildman borrows his Volvo without asking and subsequently brings him back the a bottle of wine as a “present,” the protagonist smashes said bottle of wine against the wall and calls the fellow a “base creature.” As a result of the stranger ‘borrowing’ his car, Mathieu is late for his reading on Louise Labé and perplexes his friends and family when he does the speech while his shoes and pants are obviously covered in dry mud. To make matters worse, young college students begin heckling Mathieu while he is giving his reading, but that does not stop him from stating regarding Labé in an impassioned and almost pornographic fashion, “’New without love’ could have been her motto…But also ‘never without pain.’ Because in the 16th-century there are few more moving words: I live, I die, I burn and drown. I quake with cold and perish with heat. My life so hard and yet so sweet. At once I shrivel and I.” Naturally, the reading concludes abruptly when Mathieu thinks he sees the stranger in the audience and becomes both angered and startled and thus loses his track of thought, so Victor interrupts and starts taking questions from audience members that results in a college student mocking the protagonist for “speaking on a subject that doesn’t interest us.” Of course after making a fool of himself, Mathieu decides to chase down the stranger and does not waste any time attacking him and knocking him down a set of stairs in front of a hundred or so people. Unfortunately for Mathieu, the man he attacks is not the stranger but a fellow from an area called Robertville with a similar fur coat and haircut who decides to press charges against the protagonist. Ultimately, Mathieu later opts to get involved in something a little more criminally oriented than a public brawl.  Indeed, regularly banging a backwoods blonde bombshell has given Mathieu a serious sense of testicular fortitude that he has probably never felt before in his entire life.





 After the nightmarish aborted reading from hell, Mathieu’s future son-in-law gives him books by Genette and Barthes, but the protagonist hilariously scares him away by looking at him with sheer and utter contempt as if he is the world's most slimiest asshole.  Undoubtedly, Mathieu seems resentful towards the young man not only because he plans to marry his beloved daughter and take her permanently away from him, but also due to his dubious literary tastes. To prove to Mathieu that he is not a queer, Victor takes the protagonist to his home to show him what he describes as his “collection.” Somewhat strangely, the “collection” that Victor speaks of his a bunch of different brushes he has locked away, with the character creepily stating while fondling a black brush in a fetishistic fashion, “Coarse, dark hair. For the hollow in the hips and the curve of the buttocks.” Ultimately, Mathieu, who is into real sex and not frivolous fetishistic bullshit of the sexually dysfunctional sort, becomes so exceedingly enraged by Victor’s considerably curious behavior that he smashes every single mirror in his coworker's room, thus putting their already dubious friendship in jeopardy. When Mathieu finally gets the gall to kill the stranger and heads to the moors with a shotgun, Belle does the job just before he gets the chance just like she did with the German Shepherd before. After killing the stranger, Belle yells “VOLVO” and the two proceed to load the corpse into the car and drive it to a pond where they dispose of it. Later that night, Mathieu warmly embraces his wife, tells her that he loves her more than ever before, and then strangely states, “Life is passing me by. It has no purpose.” 





 Needless to say, Mathieu is equally saddened and angered after seeing his daughter off at a train station after she is married, especially since she demands money from him and does not even say a proper goodbye. When Mathieu goes to see Belle later that day, she also demands money as well, thus establishing a clear link not only just between the protagonist’s daughter and the potentially imaginary chick from the woods, but also the female species as a whole. When Mathieu’s boss Marcel asks him to drive to Robertville to answer some question in regards to the young man he attacked after his botched Labé reading while two police detectives curiously follow them in a separate car, the protagonist fears the worst and meekly confesses to killing the stranger. When Mathieu shows the police detectives the pond where he sunk the stranger’s corpse, he is delighted to discover that the only carcass they find is that of the German Shepherd. Of course, Mathieu goes looking for Belle again and in the process someone steals money out of his car glove compartment that he planned to used to start a new life with his mistress, thus leading the protagonist to conclude that he was setup by his ladylover and the stranger right from the beginning. After all, Belle strangely insisted on shooting the stranger and his corpse was not recovered from the pond, thus indicating that he might actually still be alive and only faked death. That night while lying in bed, Mathieu obsessively states to himself, “She couldn’t do it. She didn’t trick me. She killed him for me, together with me. We carried him together. Drowned him together. In one of the pools at Pont Noir. A pool at Pont Noir.” To confirm whether or not Belle betrayed him, Mathieu goes looking for the stranger’s corpse again on a snowy day and is quite delighted to see the fellow’s hand and fur coat under the ice in the pond. As Mathieu states in a delusional fashion with a half-crazed smirk on his face while staring at the stranger’s hand under the ice, “She really did it for me. It’s all true. She didn’t deceive me. As long as she comes back.” Of course, it is not only rather dubious as to whether Belle will come back, but also if she ever even really existed in the first place. 







 Undoubtedly, after watching Belle, I could not help but obsess over how so superlatively stupid some men, especially those on the brink of a midlife crisis, act when it comes to the fairer sex. Of course, the fact that Delvaux’s film features surreal fantasy elements only highlights the absurdity of the fact that a stuffy middle-aged dork who is about as charming and handsome as a high school principle actually thinks that an exotic young blonde beauty would have ever genuinely fall in love with him and is not just using him for her own ends. Naturally, the film also underscores the seeming worthlessness of poetry and all the culture and education in the world when confronted with both visceral lust and pure love, as the protagonist is willing to throw away everything that he has ever worked for in his entire life for some hot chick that he just met in the woods who does not even speak the same language. Indeed, protagonist Mathieu is one of the most intelligent and respected men in his small province, yet his actions completely defy the most fundamental aspects of common sense, thus reflecting the Achilles heel of the male gender that so many members of the so-called fairer sex have counted on exploiting since the very beginning of time. Certainly there are few things more cold, calculating, and craven than beautiful (and oftentimes not-so-beautiful) women, as western woman owes her special status in the world not through being persecuting by a largely imaginary patriarchy, but by learning from virtual birth how to manipulate men to their life’s advantage. While western society tells us that women are looking for love, it is really men who suffer from the weakness of being hopeless romantics who are oftentimes so blinded by the prospective of love that they will not even notice they are about to fall off a figurative cliff that is only a couple feet away from them. Although he may have been a tad bit biased since he was supposedly a ‘sexual invert’ (aka fag), Viennese philosopher Otto Weininger was certainly on to something when he recommended that men should have as little to do with women as possible, but then again, it is hard to refrain from one of the most imperative ingredients that make life worth living, not to mention the fact it has result in many create works of art like Delvaux’s Belle. To go back to Weininger, he once wrote, “The deepest, the intelligible, part of the nature of man is that part which does not take refuge in causality, but which chooses in freedom the good or the bad,” which certainly be said of the protagonist of Delvaux’s film. Indeed, for better or worse, the lead character of Belle finally becomes a real man at middle-age, which certainly cannot be said of a good number of western males nowadays. 



-Ty E

Monday, March 30, 2015

Highway to Hell




Any film featuring dozens up dozens of Andy Warhols doing manual slave labor in hell cannot be totally bad, even if it stars a little turd like Chad Lowe pretending to be a macho hero, neo-vaudevillian buffoon Ben Stiller and most of his family portraying lowclass working-class goyim, and singularly obnoxious and spastic Judaic jackass Gilbert Gottfried doing by far the worst and most exceedingly embarrassing Hitler impersonation in all of cinema history. Indeed, Highway to Hell (1991) directed by Dutch quasi-arthouse auteur turned failed Hollywood hack Ate de Jong (Blindgangers aka Blind Spot, Drop Dead Fred) is an extravagantly botched celluloid abortion with ridiculously retarded acting as performed by some of the most uniquely insufferable Hollywood whores, fiercely frivolous and seemingly flatulence-driven elevator music, blatantly fetishistic philistine humor, and incessant moronic goofiness, among various irritating things yet somehow I like the film and consider it a kitsch cult classic of sorts. While de Jong’s film might also be one big odyssey of the odiously moronic that shits on all of Occidental history and features annoying Jewish kids that look like terminally ill cancer patients and a patently pathetic pint-sized male hero with a silly dog sidekick, it is actually a reasonably bizarre and entertaining loose-as-a-Detroit-crack-whore reworking of the classic ancient Greek myth of Orpheus set in a hermetic route 666 on the way to America’s little Sodom of Las Vegas. Much like the Hollywood films of fellow Dutchman Paul Verhoeven and de Jung’s most popular work Drop Dead Fred (1991), which was incidentally released earlier the same year, Highway to Hell is a film with two layers, with one layer that was made to appeal to the lowbrow ‘bread and circus’ American majority and another layer to appeal to more discerning viewers with some sort of understanding of classic Western philosophy, history, and spirituality, but as the director stated in an interview with Fangoria, “You don't need to comprehend the second level to make this film work for you. If you miss the second level, you missing nothing.” Penned and produced by Norwegian-American screenwriter Brian Helgeland who was previously responsible for writing hokey horror trash like 976-EVIL (1988) directed by Robert ‘Freddy Krueger’ Englund and and A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988) and who would later go on to write more ‘respectable’ works like Mystic River (2003), this sometimes campy and oftentimes irreverent Orpheus molestation may be plagued by a virtual army of ugly kosher comedians and a storm of infantile humor but it ultimately has a traditional Western heart and spirit beneath all the seemingly Semitic stupidity. Trashed by lapsed Satanist Nikolas Schreck—the estranged son-in-law of Church of Satan founder Anton LaVey who was a prominent figure in left-hand path movements in the 1980s and 1990s but eventually renounced Satanism and converted to Tantric Buddhism in 2003—in his book The Satanic Screen: An Illustrated Guide to the Devil in Cinema (2001) as having “…the filmsy feel of an extended heavy metal music video, and the picture’s trite depiction of the Satanic realm is firmly grounded in that juvenile aesthetic” yet failing to realize it is a Orphic flick that mocks the whole “heavy metal music video” aesthetic instead of embracing it, Highway to Hell is ultimately an eccentrically epic piece of strangely dignified trash with something bordering on a decent message hidden under all the juvenile Judaic jokes. 





 Charlie Sykes (Chad Lowe) is a short and scrawny pedomorphic pizza delivery boy with a barely working piece-of-shit car who has somehow managed to make a beauteous blonde babe named Rachel Clark (Kristy Swanson of Flowers in the Attic (1987) and Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)) not only fall in love with him, but also agree to marry him. Indeed, the ostensible all-American couple are headed to Las Vegas to get hitched on a whim without telling anyone, although Rachel left her mother a note about the big news so that she won’t get worried. On the way to Vegas, Charlie becomes paranoid that a cop is following him, so he decides to take an alternate route and eventually stops at a rather remote gas station where a nice, if not somewhat strange, old fart named Sam (Richard Farnsworth of David Lynch’s The Straight Story (1999)) attempts to warn him and his girlfriend not to take the alternate route and even offers to allow the two to sleep in a cozy cabin that he has behind his store. Of course, chump Charlie does not take heed of Sam’s warnings, including that he should keep his eyes out for two Joshua trees and to never pull over for any reason until he passes the second one. Ultimately, Charlie falls asleep at the wheel right before passing the second Joshua tree and subsequently experiences the nightmare of a lifetime after being pulled over by a pernicious policeman named ‘The Hellcop’ (C. J. Graham, who played Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986))—a demonic zombie-like cop from Hades with a pentagram for a badge, discernibly tall Nordic frame and bald dolichocephalic skull with Biblical quotes carved into his skin (notably, FX designer Steven Johnson credited Clive Barker's series Books of Blood as the influence for the look)—who rips the passenger door off of his car, pulls Rachel out and locks her in his patrol car, and beats up the protagonist and his fluffy white dog Mr. Ben. Needless to say, startled bitch boy Charlie immediately goes back to old man Ben and learns that his girlfriend has been taken to a supernatural “road within a road” called ‘The Highway to Hell’ where he has 24 hours to find his girlfriend or both of them will trapped in hell for eternity. As it turns out, Sam’s own fiancée Clara (Pamela Gidley of Thrashin' (1986) and Lynch’s Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (1992)) disappeared on the same road 50 years before and ever since then he has been waiting in vain for her to come back. Ultimately, Sam equips Charlie with a specially made sawed-off shotgun designed by Clara with special ammo and a fancy old antique car with a special attribute that the protagonist neglects to discover until at the very moment he needs to use it most. 





 To enter the Highway to Hell, Charlie has to first ‘believe in it,’ so while attempting to break on through to the fire and brimstone side while driving like a maniac, he is pulled by a real cop who he mistakes for the Hell Cop and moronically pulls his shotgun on, thus resulting in a car chase between two grade A wusses that concludes with the protagonist finally being transported to the desert netherworld.  Meanwhile, Hellcop takes Rachel to a sleazy satanic diner called ‘Pluto’s Donuts’ that is inhabited by grotesque dead zombie cops that have bbeen waiting around for what seems like a eternity for service as Ben Stiller’s shiksa mother Anne Meara, who plays a whorish waitress with the curious name Medea, dreams of jumping on the skinheaded zombicop’s undead cock.  Rather fittingly, Jerry Stiller plays a bitchy desk cop whose incessant bitching annoys the perennially mute Hellcop so much that he zaps him with his special gun while Rachel manages to escape by pouring coffee on the zombie handcuffs she is bound to. Upon running out of the diner, Rachel runs into a degenerate archetypical swarthy and greasy white trash cook played by Ben Stiller who cooks food on the hot asphalt and who offers the leading lady a nasty piece of steak which she turns down, thus inspiring the creepy culinary artist to call her a “vegetarian bitch.” Of course, it does not take long for Rachel to get captured, as a dickheaded degenerate named Royce (Adam Storke)—a moronic metalhead and true rebel without a cause who is more or less the Devil’s failed protégé—and his gang of half-braindead biker bastards soon find her running through the desert and decide to defile her due to her glaring virginal essence. Ultimately, instead of popping her cherry, Royce hands Rachel over to Hellcop, but with the stipulation that he “owes him.”  Notably, Royce’s ‘old lady’ is Sam’s long-lost fiancée Clara, who still has all her beauty intact and takes a Sapphic interest in Rachel, who is clearly not interested.   As she later reveals during the film, Clara is not the perfect pussy on a pedestal that Sam imagined her to be, as she was not an actual victim of the devil but instead decided to stay in hell of her own free will because she thought eternal damnation would be cool and did not think she need her fiancé.





 After a run-in with cunt-rocker Lita Ford that ends with him having to literally blow off the head of a conspicuously crazed cannibalistic ice cream man that threatens to scoop his brains out, as well as a Rebel Without a Cause (1955) style showdown with Royce and his gang of buffoonish bastard bikers, Charlie finds himself with some serious car damage and needs oil. Luckily, a ‘Satanic Mechanic’ with an ‘AAA’ (Anarchy, Armageddon, Annihilation) sticker on his tow truck named ‘Beezle’ (Irishman Patrick Bergin)—a fellow whose name alludes to his real identity as ‘Beelzebub’ (otherwise known as the Devil)—offers to fix Charlie’s car free of charge. Apparently, Beezle has the power to fix a lot more than just automobiles and he has an adopted sickly Jewish child apprentice named Adam (Jarrett Lennon) that was purportedly brought to him by the Devil to be mentored. Since Charlie is in a hurry, he leaves Beezle’s auto-shop immediately after he finishes fixing his car, not realizing that little Jewboy Adam has decided to join him and has attached himself to the side of the protagonist's car. On his way to save Rachel, Charlie spots a virtual army of Andy Warhol doppelgangers—retarded blond wig and autistic mannerisms and all—working on the road, guiding traffic, and grinding up murderously salacious sinners in a giant machine that turns their body into mince meat. At around this point, little Adam startles Charlie by jumping into the car and the protagonist subsequently promises to take him back to the mortal realm after finding Rachel. 





 Eventually after doing much driving on the otherworldly satanic open-road, Charlie ends up at a casino populated by evil historical figures like Hitler (Gilbert Gottfried), Cleopatra (Ben Stiller’s sister Amy Stiller), and Attila the Hun (unfortunately, Ben Stiller again) where he finds Rachel trapped inside a stripper cage. Although Charlie manages to get Rachel out of the cage, the lovers' reunion is short-lived as Hell Cop soon shows up and seemingly kills the protagonist by blowing a hole through his stomach with a shotgun. Luckily, Adam takes it upon himself to get help for the protagonist by getting Mr. Fix-It aka Beezle, who manages to perfectly repair Charlie’s seemingly fatal wounds while a pathologically neurotic Hitler attempts to convince a vain valley-girl-like Cleopatra that he is not actually Hitler, but a 17-year-old suburban metalhead that likes playing guitar. Great Ugandan dictator Idi Amin also receives a “white courtesy call” at the casino but he never shows up to pick it up. Notably, there are spots reserved at the satanic casino for Imelda Marcos, Muammar Gaddafi, Jerry Lewis, and P.W. Botha. Charlie has to get to Hell City and Bezzle dubiously recommends taking the “Road to Nowhere” as a shortcut where the protagonist ultimately ends up at a cave in the desert where he finds Hellcop’s car.  Clara shows up at the cave and attempts to warn Charlie to take a different route, but the would-be-pretty-boy protagonist is drunk on heroism and ignores her advice. Upon entering deeper into the cave, Charlie enters a misleadingly angelic pastel pink, white, and yellow room where he finds Rachel gagged and bound to a bed in a S&M/BDSM fashion and he soon fights Hellcop and somehow manages to zap the zombicop to death after being thrown around for a little bit like a little ragdoll. Needless to say, Charlie subsequently unties Rachel from the bed but is startled by his virginal fiancée's uncharacteristic behavior after she aggressively attempts to get him to deflower right then and there. Upon seeing Rachel’s reflection in the mirror, he notices she is not his statuesque fiancée but a lethally lecherous demoness that resembles a cross between a gremlin and an elderly negress with grotesquely saggy tits. Luckily, Charlie manages to send her straight to the pits of hell, but he does not have his girlfriend and upon leaving the cave, he realizes everything was an illusion as Hellcop’s police car and various other objects randomly disappear into thin air, thus making it quite obvious that he should have followed Clara's advice. 





 After spending too much idle time on nothing Charlie begins chasing Hellcop on the highway to Hell City that is full of speeding vintage Volkswagen car, thus indicating that Hitler must have transferred his auto industry to the underworld after blowing his brains out in his Berlin bunker in 1945. When Charlie eventually gets to the gates to Hell City, he realizes he has to cross water with the electric sign: “Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter,” but he is a mortal and not a damned lost soul, so he has to get creative. After his dog Mr. Ben helps him avoid being eaten by a three-headed hellhound by pissing near the beast, Charlie encounters a creepy negro Muslim with his eyes sewed up named Charon (played by Kevin Peter Hall of Predator fame, who died of AIDS the same year that the film was released, in his final acting role) who reluctantly allows him to take the boat ride into Hell City since he believes that rules should be broken. Upon arriving at the Prince of Darkness’ palace, Charlie finds Rachel in no time, but instead of being in a prison cell or something like that, his fiancée is living a life of luxury and is learning to become a professional violinist. When the Devil finally arrives, he acts fairly charming and after a small argument he agrees to allow Charlie and Rachel leave so long as they “don’t look back.” Before going back to earth, Charlie takes Rachel to Beezle’s place to honor his promise to bring little Adam back to earth. Ultimately, Charlie soon discovers that Beezle and the Devil are the same guy and he makes a wager that if he can beat Hell Cop in a race, he can take Peter back to earth but if he loses Rachel has to stay in hell on her own free will. Of course, good wins and love conquers all in the end. 





 Somewhat shockingly, auteur Ate de Jong made one notable, albeit semi-cryptic, reference to his Dutch background towards the end of Highway to Hell in a scene where Early Netherlandish painter Hieronymus Bosch’s masterpiece triptych The Garden of Earthly Delights can be seen hanging on the wall of Satan's lush palace. Personally, I think that it was a rather wise choice on Jong’s part as the film is like a degenerate version of the painting in hopelessly 1990s celluloid form. Also, like the painting, the film features an otherworldly realm that transcends the typically fine line between heaven and hell, as well as paradise and purgatory and the gorgeous and grotesque.  After all, I think a good percentage of people would not mind hanging around the surrealist realm contained within film for a little bit of time, as it certainly beats the real-life multicultural hell that exists in the United States and Europe nowadays, plus nobody would turn down the opportunity to see Warhol doing slave labor. Ultimately, Highway to Hell is a very strange and suprisingly ambitious and, in turn, convoluted work that was bound to fail commercially in that is features a curious intersection between the most moronic of Hollywood neo-Vaudevillian stupidity, a vague subtextual European arthouse perspective, random slasher conventions (as personified by the iconic killer ‘Hellcop’), as well as references or allusions to countless films, including Jean Cocteau’s Orphic Trilogy (The Blood of a Poet, Orpheus, Testament of Orpheus), Mad Max (1979), Back to the Future (1985), The Lost Boys (1987), and Beetlejuice (1988), among various other works, thereupon making for one truly peculiar and undeniably entertaining piece of postmodern celluloid purgatory. 






 Quite shockingly, de Jong’s film was not the only American mutation of the Orpheus myth made during the 1990s, as Robert McGinley’s little known dystopian cult flick Shredder Orpheus (1990) features the eponymous tragic hero as a skaterboarder-cum-rocker who must save his beloved Eurydice in a Hades that is in the fitting form of a television network that is run by Svengali-like individuals that bear a striking resemble to cocksucking kraut new wave countertenor Klaus Nomi. Of course, there is also other notable cinematic reworking of the classic Greek myth, including the negrified Brazilian Palme d'Or and Academy Award winning work Black Orpheus (1959) aka Orfeu Negro directed by French auteur Marcel Camus, which was later remade by Carlos Diegues as Orfeu (1999), as well as the East German 70mm DEFA production Orpheus in der Unterwelt (1975) aka Orpheus in the Underworld directed by Horst Bonnet and based on a scandalous play by Prussian-born French Jewish composer Jacques Offenbach. Contemporary Greek auteur Nikos Nikolaidis, who is probably best known for his salaciously brutal work Singapore Sling: The Man Who Loved a Corpse (1990), also revamped the myth for his debut feature Evridiki BA 2O37 (1975) aka Euridice BA 2O37 and French auteur Jacques Demy even paid tribute to Jean Cocteau's 1950 version Orpheus with his rock musical Parking (1985).  In terms of queer Orphic works, the Belgian-Dutch-French co-production Mascara (1987)—a work where hell is depicted as an underground S&M opera house where trannys performance for degenerate politicians and other bigwigs—is probably the most flagrant and flamboyant in its flavorsome faggotry.  Out of all these various versions of the Orpheus myth, Highway to Hell is indubitably the most modernized, arguably the most idiosyncratic, and certainly the most Hollywoodized as a work that provides an absurdist nonsensical happy ending to an ancient Greek tragedy. Although unbelievable to think about nowadays, there was actually talk of a Highway to Hell sequel, but of course that never happened because the film was a huge flop. Indubitably, director de Jong had delusional hopes for the film, as he was anticipating the flick would make him famous as reflected by a remark he made in Fangoria just before the film was released where he explained, “I'm a nobody right now...When this film comes out, maybe I won't be.” Clearly, de Jong had no clue how innately whacked out his film really was, as Highway to Hell not only resulted in his swift exist from Hollywood and his return to the Netherlands, but also his banishment to the netherworld of television where he would stay until somewhat recently until he began making much maligned Hollywood-esque Dutch efforts like Het Bombardement (2012). Indeed, de Jung might now be an insufferable hack who went from arthouse to the aesthetically autistic and asinine, but he at least managed to directed two American cult classics, Drop Dead Fred and Highway to Hell, which temporary offered American youth relief from the aesthetic sterility of Hebraic (un)holywood.  Indeed, if there is a sort of Fellini Satyricon (1969) of horror-comedies in terms of a celluloid odyssey that combines the epic with the eccentric, it is most certainly Highway to Hell.



-Ty E