Dragonball: Evolution

This concept was doomed from the start. A genetic disorder is to blame and it's known as an adaptation. In essence, to carry one idea from one medium to another seems feasible enough. Hell, video game ports used to excel in trimming fat off to polish the package but soon fell steadfast under the weight of triple-system licensing. Perhaps Zack Snyder and his patented photo-tracing technique should have been applied to Dragonball: Evolution. Only then would we be able to get the pure and virgin concept we craved for so long. To set forth the final judgment in motion, I'll first need to explain the film's inner workings.


Dragonball: Evolution starts out with Goku being an annoying twerp. He's made a promise not to fight all the ignorant black people at school and it's just his luck that his crush, Chi-Chi, would be dating the ringleader Negro. Today is Goku's birthday and unknown to his knowledge, an evil prophecy is springing into action unveiling the villain Piccolo shortly after Goku receives a Dragonball and Grandpa Gohan is massacred by having his house crushed into oblivion. After getting harassed by Bulma, the two seek out Master Roshi to train Goku to help stop the soon-coming apocalypse. This is the plot in a nutshell and trust me, it's a lot more rusty than I led it to be.

Not Yamcha

To get it out of the way - how does the fighting hold up? I'm sad to say the majority of the fighting is pretty bland. Either that or the camera has been recently been diagnosed with SCS (Shaky Cam Syndrome.) and if that isn't the culprit, it's most certainly lack of attention to detail in mind. James Wong went everywhere in this production. He wanted to authenticate the look and feeling of each Dragonball and they do feel as antique as they should but in giving some, he shamefully had to take some. Goku puts on his orange Gi for the "last battle" (If you want to call it that) and turns into his Oozaru form which shamelessly rips off both concept designs from An American Werewolf in London and Super Mario Bros. the Movie.

Not Piccolo

To top off a ridiculous idea from the start, this is yet another experimental film to come from the bowels of Hollywood. Think about it closely. We sit in a theater, perhaps in a group of friends. A trailer appears and maybe a voice-over triggers memories of a film you heard was in production. You see a quote, maybe it's Watchmen or for this instance Dragonball: Evolution. You scowl and scoff aloud, cracking joke after joke to gain the tranquility of your comrades. You swear that you would never see this movie but you're just lying to yourself. You will, without a doubt, be in line at the theater to see this travesty play out. You need to complain. Restlessness flows through your blood and nothing would make you feel more secure than brandishing your authoritative opinion on something that everyone will be talking about. This is the two-note symphony of Hollywood. Experimentation leads to box office revenue and reverse buzz. "It's that bad?! I need to see this to believe!"


It's easier on yourself and your extensive knowledge of Akira Toriyama's works to just breathe in and out and repeat to yourself that this in no way is canon to his masterworks. This might not be enough, on second thought. With a Dragonball: Evolution video game in the works for the PSP and an exclusive action figure line, it looks like the antidote to life (i.e. Street Fighter The Movie The Game) will be repeated causing intellectual properties to dry up and dwindle - thus bringing about an ancient prophecy resulting in Earth being destroyed due to a Dragonball movie. It's obvious that I made that up but with that in mind, let's all agree to spiting the Dragonball trailer as soon as we heard the word "prophecy." I can safely say that most, if not all, films that involve some creeping prophecy are a group collective of turn-offs.


To cap this off, Dragonball: Evolution is the film we were expecting; It's rather loud, debilitating, and childish but there are times where you will systematically be entertained, even amused by the meanderings of a churlish director. It will piss off legions of anime fans who draw fan-art of their favorite Saiyans fusing with fictional earrings and further promoting a subversive seed of homosexuality. For what it's worth, I found myself being entertained through out the latter of Dragonball: Evolution. The build-up is rather strong in its own retarded retread of Dragonball lore and I didn't think Justin Chatwin did that bad as a character oddly named Goku. As our Goku however, he falls flat on his face and gets dragged until he gets a skin graft at seventy-five miles per hour*. Piccolo is an abomination but that's me declaring lightly, almost coyly. In fact, just removing Piccolo and having Goku throw weak Kamehameha's at invisible entities would be a better film knowing that charity is indeed a saintly act. There's much to discuss and I'll leave that to a recreational act. Point is, Dragonball: Evolution is euphoric trash but it's not like that's going to stop you from seeing it.

-mAQ