Colony Mutation

 

I thought something was afoot when I received a copy of Colony of the Dark (1995) in the post from Apprehensive Films. I had stared at the cover art for what might have been minutes - a drawing obviously from a sketchbook neophyte containing a big-breasted woman getting groped by severed limbs with an eerily Teutonic head licking the side of her face with an expression of utter pain. I perused the back of the box to divulge the plot when I realized I'd heard this before. Earlier on, I had gotten a hold of a copy of a film known as Colony Mutation. When I attempted to back up the films original title with research I discovered another title! This time they dropped the subtitles and stuck to a simple Colony. Either way, none of this titles can make up for what might be the most irredeemable piece of shit I have ever attempted to sit through in my cinephilic life. I was teased and tickled with the idea of a Super8mm grainy horror film which involved phallic self-dismemberment and copious episodes of seduce & destroy but what I was so ungratefully given is a film so unwatchable that I am sure Flesh Eating Mothers is a tour de force in comparison.

Given that I only ingested a short 40 minutes of this films running time before I pried the DVD tray open with a fork only to subsequently hurl the disc down the hallway, I can only comment so much on the film without treading into presumptive territory. Jim Matthews is a dolt as a husband and a scientific researcher. For the past several months he has been bedding down with his strong-willed secretary behind his wife's back. This leads to problems when his wife discovers the infidelity from an exaggerative paper-trail. In an outrage, she grabs the nearest unprotected beaker of experimental serum and splashes it in his face. This leads to terrifying bodily mutations as Jim discovers an unquenchable hunger within him, one that can only be suppressed with raw meat and the soft, tender flesh of whores. I'm not really a nit-picker in regards to horror films anchored in scientific illiteracy. I can handle all the hotel affairs or implausibility that the next guy can. Why, though, would someone waste premium, superior Super 8mm film stock on a tale that doesn't even tell itself? Since I never finished the film I can't rightly say. I don't even blame the lack of oozing creature effects, either. No, my infernal hatred stems from elsewhere, in the script, maybe. The characters find themselves in situations so problematic that it takes a hardened patience and a lack of anything better to do than watch this. For example, a scene that really chafes me is when Jim uses his credit card to get a hotel room with his secretary and then his wife receives the credit card bill later the same night. I could really go on and on but I will not put any more effort into writing about this disaster as I did watch it.

Add the fact that Jim's wife has a mustache that can be faintly outlined with the grainy footage and you have yourself another reason as to avoid this film. I find that is already too easy to ignore. You might not have heard of it for a reason. The only scene of merit I can find myself to comment on without forced persuasion [gun to my head] is the iconic scene of scorned fellatio - everyones favorite. In a rage over his wife's serum transmogrifying his body into a living, breathing Mr. Potato Head, Jim gives her a good beating and then while she's crying on the floor, unzips his pants and while she sits there weeping, grabs her head and performs irrumatio. Before his member devours the inside of her face, that is. This scene was a glimmer of hope for me. Perhaps Colony [Mutation] [of the Dark] could have been something of note, even in idle conversation but alas, I found myself forgetting about the film as soon as it begun. I then sat in silence bordering awe at the complete disregard for vision and the general anti-aesthetic. I wouldn't recommend Colony Mutation to any soul living. Hands down, the worst film I've seen since in the past 3 years.

-mAQ