Lost Highway

David Lynch’s Lost Highway is one of my favorite efforts from the director of “weird.” The film was one of Lynch's first (although he had bewildered people in the past) to really irritate the mainstream audience in it’s extreme ambiguity and lack of rational linear structure. Lost Highway follows a successful advant-garde Jazz musician and the mysterious circumstances surrounding the death of his wife. While being charged and imprisoned for the murder of his wife, the Jazz musicians morphs into a young man for no apparent reason and then is released from jail.


Of course, no reason is given for this bodily change. David Lynch makes no lie about his affinity for mystery and things that intrigue. I respect Lynch’s obsession with the unconscious and his contempt for intellectualism. Lost Highway is a solidly constructed film to me. Mulholland Dr. and Inland Empire are both films that left me feeling like I just wasted a couple of hours. I have gone back to these various times and have yet to completely respect them (especially Inland Empire). The masterpiece (in it’s own right) that is Lost Highway did not give Lynch a license to delve beyond the subconscious. In all honesty, I believe the “weirdness” of Inland Empire was a bit contrived at times. Someone needs to take away Lynch’s digital camera.


Lost Highway was the last film to feature Eraserhead Jack Nance. Shortly after Lost Highway was completed, Nance was beaten up by two Mexicans at a donut shop because he made a joke about their baggy pants (and told them to get a job and haircut). Nance was later found dead in his apartment with a large amount of alcohol in his system. Nance’s minor role as a mechanic in Lost Highway was a good way to end an inconsistent career (for the most part only playing minor roles).

The character of Mr. Eddy is one of the most hilarious (and that’s saying a lot) characters to ever be featured in a Lynch film. Mr. Eddy makes a true contribution to society when he bitch slaps a white collar scumbag for riding his ass. That “cocksucker” got what he deserved. People should take notice to the virtuous philosophies of Mr. Eddy.


Wife killer Robert Blake shines as the “ mystery man” who has a resemblance to Bela Lugosi’s Dracula. Tiny old Italian men are enough to scare any rational individual. The fear that he invokes in Bill Pullman’s character gave me much more respect for the killer. Bill Pullman is one of the lamest actors in film history.

David Lynch recently mentioned his realization that Lost Highway was inspired by the O.J. Simpson trial. I have my own interpretation of the film, but I have no intention of mentioning it. I find it ugly and obnoxious when I hear fan’s of David Lynch express their “solid” interpretations of the Hollywood Auteur’s films. I would rather watch the latest Michael Bay flick.

-Ty E

Gutterballs

I have disliked the past two Ryan Nicholson films thanks to my own blend of harsh cynicism. For the love of the genre, I have even tried to force myself to appreciate his work but much to my dismay, I could not express gratitude for the creation of these films (Torched and Live Feed). With his newest film Gutterballs, all that is about to change. Gutterballs to me, is the perfect mixture of sustainable genres, creating a film that is as violent as it is hilarious.

This film is a genius mix of vulgar comedy, brutal horror, and extreme sexual perversions and nudity. There is no doubt in my mind that this film would be rated X if it were to be submitted to the MPAA. It might even sicken the critics. Gutterballs features explicit sexual acts, prolonged scenes of rape, sexual torture, head explosions, bowling pin sodomies, and 70's Afro's. The lanes shine with an eerie neon glow and the disco ball & lights trigger cinematic luminescent intensity. The dialogue is even ripe with "Your mom" jokes.



The entire film is constructed around the setting of the Excalibur bowling alley. Inside this disco house is where some of the most bizarre and creative deaths will take place. Nicholson has really got his film making down pat and for this I am so glad. His father, Roy, even helps him with his film making. I think to myself "Damn...Ryan must have a cool dad". If my dad supported rape and carnage, well, I don't know what I'd do. Perhaps discuss the pros and cons of virility? The film features some of the most wonderful music that screams Donna Summers on meth. It's all funky classics and primary beats that really fit the era this film adapts to.


This film making team's earlier effort called Live Feed was a disappointment to me. Without the tag of being a Hostel ripoff, the film still lacked a general direction and screamed with impoverished acting. The camera angles and lighting were shoddy at the most critical points and the characters were so damn annoying that I'd give life & limb for them to encounter incredibluy horrifying demises. Much to my from-the-grave happiness, most of the douche bag's were eliminated. He improves upon every single flaw and delivers an amazingly entertaining film. I might even purchase this to own. Gutterballs is the perfect date film, provided that your woman is into gore and rape as a fantasy perversion. If that's the case, why bother watching this?

The characters are all amazing, polished, vulgar, and stylish. I felt bad for hating the transvestite so much. It caused me to question whether I had gay hatred hidden under everything, but I realized promptly it was just the wimpy character. Steve is the typical jock with the popped collar and features perhaps the most vulgar mouth I have ever heard. I would almost promise you that he says "fuck" every sentence.

Gutterballs is a screwed up film that excels at appearing cartoonish and wacky. While not being serious, It features enough audacity to surprise even the most jaded cinema-goer. Plotdigger films has suddenly been granted massive potential. While being a bit immature for a film, there in lies the whole point. From a lover of horror cinema, I honestly cannot see anything critically wrong with this film. Gutterballs is fun for the whole family. The non-existent kind, that is.

-mAQ

Diary of the Dead

Didn't Romero say he wasn't going to make any more zombie films? Oh, and then he made Land of the Dead. Well, in effort to spread the apocalypse craze even further, Romero lends his output of first-person terror. Sorry guys, but Cloverfield and [REC] did it better.

Well, on the subject of Land of the Dead being released, when the film first debuted, Romero spoke so highly of it; that it is his personal masterpiece. As soon as the negative reviews started pouring in, Romero then harnessed the power of the Internet and began writing blogs and recording webisodes of how studios and executives ruined Land of the Dead.


So each of his "Dead" films attacks a subject or even "problem" in society. Diary of the Dead is a direct attack to the Internet/media fad of this generation. The film spouts YouTube, myspace, and blogging site references. Diary of the Dead is not the proud DIY zombie film that you might think it is, rather, a cowardly attack towards anything that has ever wronged or spoke ill of Romero. Instead of trying to make fun of the critics and people who dislike his accidental cult film's, he should focus more on making a decent film.

One thing that made Cloverfield and [REC] so horrifying, is the lack of music. Being as how it is a character holding the camera, It allows the film to almost break the "third wall." In the opening montage of Diary of the Dead, the female narrator explains how she took the footage of the apocalypse and added music to it; to add to the "effect"

This alone starts the film off on a low note. The plot takes a group of college kids filming a horror movie in the woods. Again, Romero seems to be attacking the indie horror business, as these kids encounter zombies. To watch all these stupid film school kids get killed off must be his wet dream.


"How many times have i told you? Dead things don't move fast"

This is a direct quote and another attack, this one against the constant remakes of his films being made, the "new" zombie that always sprints, and again, his very own creation (Land of the Dead.) One thing I still don't understand is, why when Cloverfield was released, every one commented on this authenticity of the characters? Sure, they had their rough spots, but compared to the acting and demeanor of everyone in Diary of the Dead, they were Oscar worthy.

Diary of the Dead is the ultimate "How to make a bad movie!" reference source. Is it me, or does the narrator purposely speak like Sarah Connor from T2? The film is entirely composed without any horror fan's wit or ingenuity. If i were to encounter a zombie, I'd sure as hell call it a zombie, not call them "dead" or even deny their existence. Black Militants who are on the run make their second coming in this film. First time since Night of the Living Dead, i believe.

When the colored gentlemen are questioned about why they got together, they stated "Because we got the power. For the first time in our lives, we got the power." Romero is now at the point of trying too damn hard to bring social commentary in his films. Diary of the Dead is all about surveillance and censorship. The whole cast features intellectually challenged hicks and film school jerk-off's. This film is nothing new, and it is certainly not good. Zombie effect's don't make movies good, and neither does Romero.

-Maq

88 Minutes

88 Minutes is a new crime thriller starring Al Pacino. While it is a below average thriller with predictable twists, this is not the topic of the article. Al Pacino, since starring in the over-rated Scarface, has been living in Tony Montana's shadow for far too long. The film opens up with a vulgar hip-hop song, to either show the forensic psychiatrist's party side, or perhaps a subliminal ode to Pacino's glory days.

When Scarface first debuted, this film wasn't associated with airbrushed tall tee's and rap songs. Scarface was about a brutal crime syndicate ran by a sadistic cokehead. De Palma's film started as one thing, then completely changed directions. It's impossible to watch a Pacino film and not think of Scarface. Urban youth feel inspired by the damnedest things.


Later in 88 Minutes, Bubba Sparxxx's song "Mrs. New Booty" plays loud and noticeable, even when it doesn't tie in with the film in the slightest. Instead of promoting his crime films as a gritty portrait of city decay, he caters to these urban ideals that have been imprinted on his career. After all, if he didn't suck up to the young blacks, he wouldn't have gotten much of anywhere nowadays.

Other than Pacino's role in the film, this film also borrows heavily from other films in the genre. Many serial killer films use the same "You will die in ____" See also; The entire SAW series. The capital punishment perspective is also derived from the film The Life of David Gale. One thing i picked up while viewing this film, is the the casting.


88 Minutes is a film marketed towards the urban audience, with it's voracious use of rap in the soundtrack and it's key role, it does deliver, but i noticed something very strange. In all of it's run time, I recall only 1 black person. This character was so minor, I don't even recall him saying a single word. Perhaps some form of detachment or hidden racism is at play.

This film seems to be anti-black. The pitch black poster was soon ditched and a new poster with Al Pacino surrounded by clocks and fire were distributed. The film is just a collage of crazy white people, screaming and framing each other. 88 Minutes is a mess of racial expectations intended to destroy "white" America. When things get too blurred, what tactic does the film incorporate? Throw a speeding fire truck driving into a crowd to spice the film up with action.

Overall, the entire feel of the film feels too forced and presents itself as extremely generic, but it does reward you with a semi-watchable film. 88 Minutes might give Pacino the chance he needs in order to revive his film career into at least something visually edible. He just needs to learn how to move on, and to realize that he is getting old. Need i mention that the film revolving around a runtime of 88 Minutes is 108 minutes?

-mAQ

Demons

"They will make cemeteries their cathedrals and the cities your tombs!"

Demons (Demoni) is the greatest horror film ever made. I start out this essay with serious intentions. This isn't the work of a sarcastic cynic, but rather from an enthusiast of all cinema. I have no proof to warrant this accusation, but i can tell you that Demons is 100% one of a kind.

Perhaps Lamberto Bava's only great film, Demons involves a metal terminator-looking man who issues a ticket to a beautiful young girl. The ticket is to a horror film playing at a Berlin theater. During the film within a film, some of the patrons fold under possession and soon the theater is swarming with demonic Italians. Colorful characters give a voice to this film. Some of which include a Ving Rhames fused with "The Hammer" Williamson character. This man is one of the most bad ass pimps i have seen recently. You can forget about Terrence Howard.

Some very fucked up scenarios even unravel. One being a feeble blind man's daughter leaving his side to fuck some random guy in between the curtains. Needless to say, this scene comes out of left-field and left me almost shocked. Later in the film, a group of rowdy punks snorting cocaine off of tits appear. This provides for some ample entertainment.

Demons is a film that operates completely on it's atmosphere and cheese. Scenes decorate it sporadically involving ridiculous situations. Such as a stud on a dirt bike wielding a katana, and the infamous "Random helicopter breaking through the roof." This is enough to grant the title of "B" movie or even cult classic, but Demons is much more.


The entire setting of it involving a movie theater could be related to the current experience we would have, had we seen this in theaters. Suffice to say, some people have been lucky to see this gem on the big screen. Due to it's plot, I could even imagine this film freaking me out if i were to witness it in a theater. It even goes as far as to be highly fucking entertaining.

The DVD of Demons is in the "Dario Argento Collection." This marketing ploy managed to piss me off royalty. I doubt Dario Argento knows how to make a film of this caliber. So instead of Mario Bava's son getting the credit, It is passed off to the giallo director turned Hollywood hack. Demons features an unusual soundtrack. Claudio Simmonetti composed a beautifully funky score while the soundtrack consists of Motley Crue and Scorpions. It's such a bizarre mix.

Perhaps a reason for this films greatness lies in the hands of Michele Soavi. This is the man who is behind Stage Fright and Dellamorte Dellamore. He plays the metal masked figure and was the assistant director. Through his films, he managed to prove his worth by mixing art with comedy and even gore. While the film isn't too well known, It has it's share of respect. In the video game of Silent Hill, their even exists a theater called "Metropol" and has several Demons posters on display.

Demons is another to suffer the plague of unrelated name advertisement. On record, there are seven films that are either a direct sequel or just given the title to provide a sense of trust. Demons is a landmark in horror. It can be scary or it can be hilarious. For many reasons, I doubt i will ever witness a film like Demons ever again. The only reason cancer hasn't been cured yet, is because instead of spending the research budget on copies of Demons, they purchase science equipment. Pssssh, when will they learn?

-Maq

Lolita

Adrian Lyne’s adaptation of Lolita is more “revealing” than Kubrick’s film. Don’t expect to see much from Lolita (though she bares some skin). Super pervert Clare Quily exposes his horrible floppy cock in an unflattering drunken stupor (while attempting to escape execution). Lyne’s version of the novel stays truer to it’s source material than Kubrick’s ultra tame 1962 version. I felt that Lyne’s version was more of an anti-Kubrick film. I respect screenwriter Steven Schiff and director Adrian Lyne’s attempt at being original.

Jeremy Irons pulls off an Anglo pedophile in a completely natural manner. Iron’s effeminate nature has always worked to his advantage when playing sexual deviants (I.e. David Cronenberg’s Dead Ringers). His role as Humbert Humbert in Lolita is “fitting” to say the least. I found disgust in his ability to masquerade as a man of high manners while concealing the soul of a conspiratorial coward. Young Lolita (played by the talented Dominique Swain) sees through Humbert as clearly as Humbert would like to see through her dress.


Unlike Kubrick’s version of Lolita, the character of Clare Quily has a much more minor role. Lyne’s version of the film primarily focuses on Humbert Humbert and the pathetic infatuated state that guides his life into hopelessness. Stanley Kubrick seemed more focused on Clare Quily because he no doubt wanted to give Peter Sellers more screen time. Chameleon Sellers would have never accepted such a minor role (when comparing to the novel and remake).

Lyne’s version of Lolita is a worthy update of the novel. I found more intensity in his version than Kubrick’s version (and I generally believe less is more). Adrian Lyne has proven that he has the ability to make the most odd of situations erotic (I.e. Jacob’s Ladder). Although I still enjoy Kubrick’s version, it is somewhat dated and lagging. I am a product of the degenerate age. Lyne’s Lolita is worthy of being considered one of the best contemporary erotic films.

-Ty E

Last House on Dead End Street

When Roger Watkin's turned his drug binge into a film, It holds the record for being an instant cult classic. His exploitation film, The Last House on Dead End Street, was another of the misleading titles that point all towards unneeded bloodshed and nudity, when in this film, is not the main point. The film takes an approach of displaying blood as the ultimate payback for the belligerent Terry Hawkins, who was just released from prison.

Due to his drug charges, Mr. Hawkins was locked up for some time. Upon being released, he puffs on a cigarette, and sets his horrible plot in motion. For the most part, the film develops like most of the timeless cinema of its age; clunky and gritty. I honestly couldn't be more happy with the finished product. For a film that cost only $800 dollars, It works to advantage entirely. Hell, since Watkins got three thousand dollars, he decided to blow most of it on his amphetamines.

The film not only created an exploitation that involved a fanatical blow to the film market and created a venomous main character who wasn't even a good guy. Normally most films pave way for some optimism. After discussing his failed porno films, Terry decides to film a snuff movie, cause that is what people really want to see. His very words sent shivers down my spine, cause, let's face it. If you watched this film, It's because of the violence.

"Don't feed the drug-child"

As the primary audience, we are catering to this exaggerated whim of Terry. The Last House on Dead End Street could even be prophetical similar to Arthur C. Clarke's work. Besides having the conventional "One good guy and One bad guy," this film tends to show both opposing forces in an evil light. We got the maniacal blood-lusting aspiring film-maker, and we got the Jewish studio representative who refuses to market Terry's work.

It has also been recently revealed that ToeTag Pictures is working on a sequel to this film, conveniently after Watkin's death. This plan to put a sequel to a film that needs none, let alone doesn't even carry a proper timeline, is inconceivable. It's almost as bad as ToeTag revealing their plans to make a sequel to The Redsin Tower.

The film was originally billed as starring/written/directed by different people, when it was in fact Watkins himself. So when you see that devilish gleam in Hawkin's eyes, you can see the drugs effect on his unstable mind. Perhaps one of the more artful scenes, was in a fetishist's apartment. It shows a married woman being whipped by a hunchback in Blackface. Too bad more sleaze couldn't be like this.

The Last House on Dead End Street is a film sumptuous with negative energy. This is a film that breeds the thoughts of economic distrust. The title is deceiving, but don't let it get the best of you. With the conditions of his film making process in mind, It saddens me to think of him as an accidental filmmaker, but until i see proof of substance in his other films, my case stands.

-Maq

Black Night

Black Night (Nuit Noire) is the debut feature length film from the surrealist director Olivier Smolders. The film follows a Natural Sciences Museum conservator, Oscar, who has a perverse insect fetish that eventually turns completely sexual. One day, he comes home to find a naked pregnant African woman occupying his bed. He is immediately both disgusted and disturbed by the woman’s occupation of his domestic habitat. She is sweating and dying of an unmentioned disease.

Since Black Night is “weird,” “dark,” and “surreal,” the film has been compared to the works of American auteur David Lynch. I don’t really find much in common with Black Night and films by David Lynch. People really need to stop comparing every film conflicting with linear film cohesion to David Lynch. Surrealist directors have existed since the birth of cinema. Olivier Smolders has a more concrete vision in mind than David Lynch (especially when comparing the film to Inland Empire or Mulholland Dr.). Black Night has also been compared to the writing of novelist Franz Kafka (I assume especially the Metamorphosis) which is more a reasonable assertion.

I can already hear Spike Lee calling Black Night a racist surrealist film. The African woman featured in Black Night dies and Oscar starts constructing a cocoon out of her body. When the cocoon finally hatches, something “whiter” appears. I doubt it was the director’s intention to involve race in the film, but with contemporary America and “academia’s” cultural Marxist (whether they know it or not) obsession with such matters, it is inevitable.

Black Night also features footage of pre-colonial Africa (not real stock footage of course). Two white Europeans (man and child) in expedition clothes and two Africans (Woman and child) in native garb smile for the camera peacefully. Knowing how Africa fell into complete shambles after colonization, this scene invokes irony at an unintentionally (or I assume) absurd level. Black Night seems to be a fusion of an artists subconscious and his own personal obsession. Two elements that have always made for powerful and sincere art.

Director Olivier Smolders is someone to look out for in the future. He has a pellucid vision as all great artists should. The surrealist images found in Black Night carry a resonance that will stay with you long after the film is over. Identical Nordic elderly men, mutilated little girls, and alien-like insects all come together to construct a film of aesthetically dynamic radiance.

-Ty E

Flesh Eater

Bill Hinzman may be the most terrifying and iconic zombie in film history. His performance in George A. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead never becomes old. Finding out that he had written, directed, produced, edited, and starred in his own film attracted me. I had no idea what to expect from this zombie god turned filmmaker.

Flesh Eater met way past any expectations I had for the film. Bill Hinzman was competent in every aspect of low budget film making. Amateurish yet solid, Flesh Eater fits in with any other zombie film. Its especially fun for those that are fans of Night of the Living Dead. Its reflexive nature bleeds nostalgia throughout. Its homage to an accidental famous killing in NOTLD produces great laughs.


Bill Hinzman was also able to convince a young naked girl to let him fondle her for the sake of undead art. I’m sure Flesh Eater holds a special place in his heart. Hinzman even eats the body of his young daughter and in the process she drops her candy bar. What a great father. I don’t know if Mr. Hinzman was having a midlife crisis when deciding to create Flesh Eater, but if so, it worked to his psychologically unstable advantage.

Although paying many tributes to NOTLD, Flesh Eater is a little more plentiful in the gore category. Shotgun ignited exploding heads proved enough gore for the average desensitized gore fan. The acting and performances are similar to that of a Friday the 13th film, except parts of Flesh Eater are actually funny. Easily some of the funniest killings I’ve seen in a while. One notable killing involves the much needed flesh eating of a wise ass clown costume Dracula. You find yourself routing for Bill Hinzman and his crew of infected undead slaves.


Flesh Eater ends with a barn burning which was unnecessarily long in duration similar to the trailer burning in John Water’s Pink Flamingos. In the aftermath of the fire lie charred bodies similar to those seen in pictures from the bodies in the Dresden bombings during World War 2. Interestingly enough, the prop master was able to make these bodies in one day.


Bill Hinzman succeeded in creating a zombie flick acceptable to obsessive fans of the original Night of the Living Dead. Flesh Eater is packed with decent gore, humorous situations, and retrospective entertainment. Flesh Eater is mandatory viewing for anyone that is a fan of the number one zombie.

-Ty E

Carnosaur

Carnosaur might be the greatest dinosaur film ever made. Instead of material focused on subverting race or religion, It ascends into archaic carnage. It's like the Carnosaur just said "Fuck your gender, Imma eat you anyways." And for this, I have great respect. Carnosaur was one of those films you'd rent in your favorite video store as a child. Knowing nothing about it, you wouldn't even realize that these women were giving birth to raptor-rexes.

The plot involved the frequented mad scientist, only this time, she was a crazy female. She created some reborn dinosaurs and managed to spread it like a disease. So not only do we have a killer animatronic baby dinosaur running around, ripping lustful teenage boy's nads off, but we got immaculate dino-conception. This provides an amazing biblical "fuck you." I wonder if this is where the "Raptor Jesus" meme was born.


When Carnosaur was released, Ebert, Film Threat, and even Fangoria loved it. Now it just seems that with the release of the CGI-induced Jurassic Park, everyone forgot about the classics. I am bringing up no new point here, for it seems that this generation are all about the modern cinema. Carnosaur is also one of the older films to have a nihilistic, and sadistic ending.

Carnosaur, besides being cheesy, has a strong commentary behind it. It's a slap in the face of people who try to play god. Keep aneye out for the out-of-control violence towards Hippies. Scene goes as follows. Hippie sees dinosaur. Hippie says "Peace Green Brother." Hippie gets eaten. End of scene.

Diane Ladd is at her peak in this film, giving it the edge for acting it needs. This film relies mostly on screaming humans and prehistoric roars. Dinosaurs don't get much better than this. Carnosaur is the exclusive dinosaur film that features an epic showdown of Lizard VS. Machine. I wouldn't ask for anything else.

-Maq

Tremors

It's a lot easier to scare someone to put them in a quasi-realistic scenario. That might even be the reason why they decided the let the events of one of America's greatest horror films unfold upon rural America. Two Jack-of-all-trades everymen get caught up in a parasite warfare underneath the ground. Creatures with the potential ability to travel under dirt at high velocities begin to devour people from the ground.

The very concept of rednecks facing paranormal danger isn't anything new. It's been shown in Chris Carter's The X-Files and even Men In Black (MIB.) These figures of life get grabbed from underground and gobbled up by giant worms. I must be honest, the creature design is nothing short of amazing. It's a shame when you realize the point of the film was to build suspense on the monster's physical features, yet the poster brandishes it's huge face. What a buzz kill. Kevin Bacon plays the main redneck. He is the smart ass one with the wit and flowing locks.


Due to films attacking every superstition or abnormal fear, Ron Underwood decided to expand the old "Don't step on a crack, You'll break your mother's back" scene and turn it into a nightmare, whereas the only place you are safe at, is on a rock in the middle of nowhere. A similar film element is also found in Critters. Why does Hollywood hate the country so much? Tremors is a horror comedy. What's so rare about this one, is that it is actually funny.

A reckless hero is found in Michael Gross, who plays Burt. Burt is the guy we always laugh at. the one who has an obsession with cleaning and collecting guns he never uses. Well now, It looks like he might have a chance to enter some guerrilla warfare in his own backyard. The film might as well give step-by-step instructions on how to create a home-made bomb. Walter Chang is the local nut job oriental who owns the convenience store. What a stereotype, eh? Using his insanity in a speech, he dubs the creatures "Graboids." Yet another hint that the rural parts don't exactly teem with intelligence.


Tremors is yet another great film which is bogged down by a horrible franchise of several sequels and a syndicated television series. While the 2nd film being nearly as entertaining, It loses most of the charm that the first film carried like a medallion.

-Maq

Do You Like Hitchcock?

Yes, I like Hitchcock. I like him enough to know that Dario Argento’s Do You Like Hitchcock? is an atrocious dishonor to the master of suspense. This is no surprise when considering the amount of failure films that Dario Argento has created over the past couple of years. Do You Like Hitchcock? is the ultimate offense against the director that Argento claims to so dearly respect. It can be rest assured that Alfred Hitchcock's cremated ashes are getting ready to poison Dario Argento's last meal.

Immediately going into Do You Like Hitchcock?, I noticed the film looks like it was produced for public access TV. It can be assumed that Argento knew be the film's production that he would have very little monetary sources to work with. For a director that has influenced Argento so much ( some calling Argento "the Italian Hitchcock"), he could have at least waited to secure funds that would enable him to make a film that looks like it cost at least one million dollars to make.

I really wanted to enjoy Do You Like Hitchcock? The film follows an obsessed film student who has a special affinity for German expressionist cinema of yesteryear. This young man’s life and surroundings eventually start becoming a real life Hitchcock film (of the pathetic no budget persuasion). A murder occurs at the apartment complex across the street. The film student is a voyeur practicing the same obsession as James Stewart did in Hitchcock’s suspenseful masterpiece Rear Window.


Do You Like Hitchcock? is a cheap and offensive homage to one of the most celebrated director’s of the last century. It caters to the fantasies of an early twenties film fanatic and fails in all regards. I still can’t fathom why Dario Argento has turned into such a mediocre director over the past couple of decades. The only semi-interesting recent project Argento has been involved with is the Master of Horror episode Jenifer, in which the strength of the hour long film can be attributed to the writing and not directing. Asia Argento is dominating her father in regards to film direction. I guess she has a lot to say when her father films her getting raped for his films.

-Ty E

Snuff 102

Snuff 102 is what happens when your film strays from source material. Argentinian born Mariano Peralta, decided to make a faux-snuff film, but instead made a bastardizing mess mixing "footage" with long and contrived shots of a young reporter in her loft, drinking coffee and eating apples. These quiet shots of suburbia are only intended for our false securities and just an example of the scenes which are out of place.

The plot (I didn't know there was supposed to be one) is about a reporter who is interviewing a film critic about violence in film. At the same time, three women are being tied up and getting tortured in cruel, inhumane ways. For some stupid reason, these two stories intertwine. It's funny when you watch two characters interact and you can clearly notice that the lines of which they read spout intelligence that the actor or actress is incapable of comprehending. This is the case in this film.

Many psuedo-philosophers in film have one method of being pretentious, for example.

Woman: "Don't you agree that violence is wrong"
Man: "What is violence? What are morales?"

It's these kind of rhetorical questions that drive me insane; as if these characters knew anything about that of which they speak. The main actress (I'll be damned to look up her name) might be the most idiotic actress that has ever graced the screen. I'll give her the respect for being able to scream and cry real well, but whenever she says a big word, I can see her face contort as if she doesn't even know what it means.


For trying to be a snuff film, even in it's "snuffish" parts, It seems to be wallowing in it's own mess. Cracks on the screen are fixed and edited in, sort of like Grindhouse, but at least they made it believable. A droning soundtrack compliments the "reality" of it all and the long shots focusing on a camera are supposed to be taken seriously. In one scene, when the reporter was researching Snuff Fantasy, we just have a 5 minute shot of over-edited shock videos collaged together with her facepalming during the intermission.

The one thing i must applaud this film for, is it's use of brutality. When the killer punches the pregnant lady, it looks very believable. Let's just be thankful that they can fake a punch rather than the pathetic example shown in the original August Underground. While being of a faux-snuff film, It really has nothing in common with any other film, besides shitty Hollywood serial killer films. I doubt they even have DVD's in Argentina (Sarcasm), let alone a copy of August Underground.

Another tasteless point of the film, is it's chronic use of shock footage. The film even opens up with a pigs throat being stabbed. Gasper Noe can pull this off because the man can film and find beauty in depravity while still being a realist. Peralta should be slung up from his ankles and sodomized for making this sad excuse of a film. All the controversy surrounding its premiere, with the director getting attacked and all, It comes as no surprise. Snuff 102 is a boring fucking film.

-mAQ

And the Ship Sails On

In my opinion, And the Ship Sails On was maestro Federico Fellini’s last great masterpiece. Sadly, the legendary flamboyant auteur’s later films are, for the most part, a disappointment. And the Ship Sails On captures the last bit of Fellini’s magic before his death less than a decade later. The film stands alone in style to all of Fellini’s other films. No surprise when considering Federico Fellini went from directing Italian Neo-Realist films to surrealist magic shows.


And the Ship Sails On follows a narrating Italian journalist on a cruise during the eve of World War I. The ship is filled with pretentious aristocrats, bourgeois snobs, and a smelly depressed Rhinoceros. And the Ship Sails On acts as a satirical commentary of the old European aristocracy. Federico Fellini makes no lie of his distaste for their royal dehumanization. The bourgeois in And the Ship Sails On live a meaningless life of unimportant conflict and contrived melodrama. Maybe Fellini thought World War I and the destruction of the European aristocracy was a good thing.

The set design of And the Ship Sails On is intentionally artificial looking, reflecting the personalities of the individuals featured in the film. During the films conclusion, Fellini even goes as far as showing himself directing the film and revealing the lavish indoor studio set. The Rhino featured in And the Ship Sails On has an indescribable aesthetic appeal that made me more caring of his life than the majority of characters featured in the film. An amazing shot of the Italian journalist and the Rhino in a small boat further confirm Fellini's eye outrageous and heartwarming(yep) situations.

The Europeans are on a cruise to mourn the death of a famous Italian opera singer. Their sentiments are obviously for show as Fellini purposely points out. Serbian refugee eventually board the ship resulting in disgust from the pretentious bourgeois. I wonder if Fellini puts blame on the Austro-Hungry aristocracy for the Serbian assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Fellini was always a man capable of making the most bland of souls full of wonder.


And the Ship Sails On is a film that has yet to acquire the praise that his earlier masterpieces received. The postwar (of both wars) European film industry, in my opinion, produced the greatest film directors the world has ever known. The world will never see another Federico Fellini, F.W. Murnau, or Ingmar Bergman. Thankfully their films still exist for viewing today.

-Ty E

Bernie

Bernie is a film directed and starring Albert Dupontel. You might have heard of Dupontel in his supporting acting role in the French art house drama Irreversible. Due to Dupontel's recent career as a stand up comedian, he has the talent in order to make people laugh. Well now, he is using to to make us laugh at inhuman things.


Similar in style to Bonnie & Clyde and 2LDK, this story follows Bernie Christmas. He is an orphaned 30 year old who suffers from a case of mental retardation. Not as extreme as it sounds, but this doesn't stop him from making up invisible mafia plots and an excuse to find his parents; at any cost. Dupontel shines in this role. His sadism is cleverly masked by his charming sweet smile. Definitely one of the better psychopaths to be on screen.

When i say that this film is a dark comedy, I mean black comedy. As in, this film is more taboo than even Visitor Q or Happiness. Dupontel succeeds at making it's viewer laugh at violence, rape, and dismemberments. It's easy to say that even the most jaded cinema viewer will have something new to shock & offend them. Whether it be butt-fuck rape, a certain wheelchair accident, or it's hilarious look at Africans living in France.


The one scene in instance is when Bernie wishes to find his home. He encounters his old room, which is now home to a sprawling Negro family who doesn't seem to speak any language. Hilarity ensues as he goes down in the garbage chute on to have a syringe stick him in the face. While being from another apartment, I cannot help but to laugh at this could-be accidental AID's joke.

Despite being a film that has bits of humor and horror in it, It also a quirky love story. It seems not all is right in this little man's head. Many of his adventures were even recorded on his personal tapes. When it boils down to the formula, Bernie is a rip-roaring sinister voyage into the gates of hell.

-Maq

The Good German

I have always found Steven Soderbergh to be an overrated director. He is one of those Hollywood directors that slightly sticks out from the rest of the whorish bunch so he gets massive amounts of artistic credibility. I had yet to see a film from Soderbergh that was thought provoking and warranted serious respect for him as a director until I saw The Good German. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that he is a technically competent director who makes well crafted films. Soderbergh’s recent film The Good German is a minor Hollywood masterpiece of sorts.

The Good German centers around a German Jewish woman who also happens to be the wife of a SS man. Due to the postwar destruction of Germany, she has to sell her enticing goods to U.S. troops to survive. A variety of men become obsessed with her and quickly decide they will do anything for her including putting their lives on the line. George Clooney (who I have always hated) stars as an American journalist who does anything to save the woman.


The Good German was filmed in aesthetically pleasing black and white with various real postwar footage scattered throughout. Steven Soderbergh almost perfectly captures the essence and power of Film Noir cinema of past generations. The Good German is more of a tribute to early film noir than it is a Neo Noir. The films poster art also takes cues from that of Casablanca (which is much more a romance film than film noir). The end of the film is also blatant tribute to the Hollywood centerpiece.

The Good German was also inspired by Nazi SS scientist Wernher Von Braun. The actual “good” German in the film is an associate of a SS scientist responsible for inventing special rockets. He's also the husband of the German Jewish prostitute that has caught George Clooney’s fancy. Nazi SS scientist Wernher von Braun was primarily responsible for the U.S. landing on the moon. He also was known for employing slave labor during his Nazi years.


The Good German is a slick, thrilling, and engulfing film from the most interesting part of history during the last century. It is also a worthy tribute to the original film noir era. I honestly had low expectations for the film originally and now I am considering revisiting Soderbergh’s lexicon. I just hope that Soderbergh believes that there’s more than one “good” German.

-Ty E

Toxic Crusaders: The Movie

Toxic Crusaders is the undeniably horrific mess that is the effect of taking a franchise, known for it's sex and voracious gore, and trimming it until suitable for kids. Note: This doesn't mean it isn't entertaining. The first three episodes of the show were put together to form this "movie."

Toxic Crusaders isn't the only example of an extreme R-rated film being transferred to cartoon. Rambo was also done, and just like this, was heavily altered. The story finds the Toxic Crusader (Note: Avenger sounded too harmful, so they changed it to a more heartfelt term) and his struggles with fighting polluters. The storyline is almost a carbon copy of Captain Planet, and the show was easily identifiable as a cash-in to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. You can even tell by the theme song.


Instead of Toxie hooking up with a blind bimbo and having sex with her, he gets a "girlfriend" who lost her glasses. Apparently, disabilities are too much of a sensitive topic to be aired on TV. They ripped out all the violence and replaced the latter with his magical mop that sweeps crime away. Toxic Crusaders is inevitably a mash-up of every popular 90's show.

The influences of TMNT, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Captain Planet, and even Creepy Crawlers shine through its tromatic skin. While being a rip-off of everything kids loved, you cannot help yourself but enjoy, and even laugh at the piece of toxic sludge that it is. Lloyd Kaufman has really expanded the Troma video library by creating a cartoon show. It makes me wonder what Troma wouldn't do.


It seems for a while, Kaufman went on a merchandising binge, creating comics, toys, lunch boxes, video games, books, and even stickers. Due to these policies, it's hard to tell which is more well-known, The Avenger or the Crusader. The film has iconic villains and it's own strong charisma. Maybe that is why Troma is always so appealing.

Sometimes, I wonder what the world would have been like, had the live-action Toxic Crusaders film been made. Perhaps in Citizen Toxie, we would have seen Toxie take on good Toxie, and destroy him. This is a cheesy blast through nostalgia and is more easily available than the rest of the shows we love.

-Maq