I Think We're Alone Now

Unfortunately, I was formerly friends with a pathetic perverted fellow (lets just call him "Big H") that claimed he was in love with famous women that he had obviously never met. To show his delusional imagined love for porno star Riley Mason, big H wrote her a pop song on his folk guitar with melodies inspired by Brian Wilson of The Beach Boys. Big H also talked incessantly about the various women that he would never meet, let alone fornicate with. Unsurprisingly, Big H had many vivid sexual fantasies involving being sexually degraded by the women of his often advertised dreams. Once, Big H boasted that he would love to drink a freshly pissed cup of redheaded miscling Alyson Hannigan's urine. Naturally, I became very tired of Big H's pathetic behavior as it was no longer funny. Fortunately for Big H, he finally found a girlfriend (despite being a 23 year old virgin at the time) in the ferocious form of a husky rich bitch Jewess. To Big H's fanatical glee, his Jewish American princess physically abused him during sex and he would show off the battle wounds covering his grotesque body with overstimulated pride. I bring up Big H as he reminds me of the mentally perturbed Tiffany fans in the documentary I Think We're Alone Now directed by Sean Donnelly. Not since the vintage days of my friendship with big H have I felt embarrassed by the pitiful sounds of a gravely lonely person as I did after viewing this documentary. 

Before watching I Think We're Alone Now, I had never heard of 1980s pop singer Tiffany nor her smutty pop songs. Tiffany's greatest aesthetic achievement was not her forgettable music but being featured in the April 2002 issue of Playboy magazine, a desperate comeback publicity stunt that she apparently had a hard time explaining to her 9 year old son. Tiffany's appearance in Playboy also probably did not help her already annoying problem with fanatic fans like Jeff Turner and Kelly McCormick, the two graceless 'stars' of I Think We're Alone Now. Jeff is a 50 year old uber-nerd-turd that suffers from Asperger's syndrome, a social disorder which allows him to live off the generous fruits of the taxpayer via welfare. Since Asperger's causes the individual to become immersed in various obsessions, it no doubt plays a huge part in Jeff's life commitment to Tiffany. Fellow I Think We're Alone Now subject Kelly is a hermaphrodite that also has the government foot the bill for her pseudo-career of swooning over Tiffany. While watching I Think We're Alone Now, I found myself completely repulsed by both Tiffany fans. The fact that both of these wackjobs live off public assistance while actively stalking a 1980s pop singer almost caused me to forget the fact that disproportionate members of certain minority groups exploit the welfare system. 

Being the slightly more masculine of the two, Jeff is the more assertive and aggressive Tiffany fan, even having security guards subduing him at one of the singer's appearances. At the very beginning of I Think We're Alone Now, Jeff states quite confidently, "Tiffany and I have know each other most of her life and we are in love with each other." It is quite obvious that Jeff is a mastermind of self-deception but not so much when it comes to deceiving others. Jeff also believes that Tiffany can time travel and talk to different various alien races from outer space. Despite having a hard time speaking coherently, Kelly is marginally less annoying than Jeff. Although born with both the key and the hole, Kelly lives 'her' life as a woman, albeit as a lesbian woman that is infatuated with Tiffany. I think Kelly may have been exaggerating a tad bit when she describes herself as the most popular person in High school. Let's just hope that when her former classmates see I Think We're Alone Now that they do not drown her in the punch bowl at their class reunion. Kelly also used to be some kind of high school track star but she runs so awkwardly (whilst acting like quite the braggart) in the documentary that I thought she might be wearing a diaper. When Jeff and Kelly meet up for a Tiffany appearance, there is an unspoken rivalry of social retards that reaches a climax when Jeff ruins an extra special reflection moment of Kelly's. 

I Think We're Alone Now was obviously made on a used shoestring budget with next to no production values. In fact, the documentary features no titles but instead film pieces of paper with writing on them. Of course, the minimalist approach taken no doubt works to the advantage of this highly engrossing yet disturbing documentary. I am sure some would see I Think We're Alone Now as exploitation but the documentary is far from it. The filmmaker could have decided to not mention Jeff's Asperbergers but instead the documentary features various insights into his life, including interviews with friends and church leaders. At the end of I Think We're Alone Now, Kelly comes out on the top as the greater Tiffany fan. Despite having more contact with Tiffany, Jeff never seems to fill the lonely void that is at the center of his dubious fanaticism, even becoming a fairweather stalker by later deciding he would rather wed Alyssa Milano. Kelly seems to fill an enormous portion of her empty life just by meeting Tiffany, coming away from the experience with a noticeable amount of new self-esteem. At the end of I Think We're Alone Now, both Jeff and Kelly are still alone but isn't everyone (even Tiffany) to some extent?

-Ty E