The Farmer's Daughters (1976)

Although it might seem patently absurd to the uninitiated, there actually are some advantages to homos directing heterosexual hardcore flicks, or at least there were during the Golden Age of Porn when fags like the Amero Brothers (Bacchanale, Blonde Ambition), Zachary Strong (Confessions of a Teenage Peanut Butter Freak, Visions of Clair), Chuck Vincent (Visions, Roommates), Michael Zen (Reflections, The Filthy Rich: A 24 K-Dirty Movie), and Zebedy Colt (The Devil Inside Her, Unwilling Lovers) and even trannies like Kim Christy (Dream Lovers, Squalor Motel) were directing some of the most subversive, artistically merited, and idiosyncratic fuck flicks of their zeitgeist. After seeing various works by these directors, I certainly have my theories as to why sods might make for more ‘interesting’ pornographers.  Aside from probably being more interested in creating art or at least something more interesting than simply directing ‘banal’ and ‘disgusting’ heterosexual sex, queer pornographers seem to get off to depicting heterosex in a warped and exceedingly degraded fashion. Of course, it is not just gay pornographers that did this, as every homo auteur from Andy Warhol to Andy Milligan to Pier Paolo Pasolini to Rainer Werner Fassbinder to Pedro Almodóvar had a proclivity towards portraying straight sex as corrosive, abusive, and/or deadly.  Among the aforementioned queer pornographers, few were nastier, more venomous, and just plain sadistic than ‘Zebedy Colt,’ who seemed to use pornography as an aesthetically terroristic tool to reap revenge against ‘breeders’ and rednecks who probably regularly kicked his ass when he was younger. Born Edward Earle Marsh and originally a Hollywood child actor who appeared in classics like Babes in Toyland (1934), The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938) starring Errol Flynn, and Cecil B. DeMille’s The Ten Commandments (1956), Colt began using the pseudonym he is best known for in the late-1960s when he began innovating “queer cabaret” and recording the pioneering poof album “I’ll Sing for You” with the London Philharmonic Orchestra, but it was not until he was middle-aged that he began using the name to direct and star in fuck flicks, with The Farmer's Daughters (1976) being arguably the most infamous of his decidedly depraved and debasing directorial efforts. Also notable for featuring pre-fame actor and literary figure Spalding Gray (Swimming to Cambodia, Gray’s Anatomy)—a self-loathing Anglo who once stated in an interview, “I appear to be a Wasp Brahmin, but I'm really a sort of neurotic, perverse New York Jew” and who apparently was partially inspired to commit suicide by jumping in the East River after watching Tim Burton's Big Fish (2003)—as the leader of a gang of pussy-pillaging escaped convicts who leads the gang-raping of a poor farmer’s wife and three daughters during a demented game of “Simon Says,” The Farmer’s Daughters is a fiercely fucked hardcore hixploitation flick that could have only been directed by a pernicious pissed off pansy faggot who wanted to take revenge against society and profit doing it. 

 Starring ‘auteur’ Zebedy Colt as farmer ‘Shep,’ wife Kate (Gloria Leonard) and three daughters, Martha (Susan McBain), Jane (Nancy Dare) and Beth (Marlene Willoughby), The Farmer’s Daughters is indubitably one of the sickest filmic fantasies ever committed to celluloid. The film starts with wife Kate pleading to her hick hubby, “Not now Chip, not in the middle of the day,” but farmer Shep cannot wait and states, “Shit woman, when I get horny, I want what’s mine…now were gonna fuck” and proceeds to bang her in their bedroom while their three daughters watch outside. While initially less than interested in being defiled by her hubby, Kate eventually comes around and confesses to Shep, “You’re a wicked man…I guess that’s why I love you so much,” to which he hilariously replies, “give me more poontang.” Meanwhile, outside, a resentful farmhand named Fred (William Cort) says to the farmer’s three daughters regarding their parents fucking talents, or lack thereof, “Shit, don’t mean nothing. I’ve watched them fuck plenty of times. Don’t know how to do nothing. Always the same way…him on top. You can’t learn nothing from them.” Assumedly horny after seeing their parents screw and wanted to see whether or not the farmhand is a ‘good lay’ or merely a ‘lame fuck,’ the three salacious sisters take him inside and gang-rape him, even ‘queening’ his face. After they make him bust his load after milking his cock like a cow udder, sister Martha spits Fred’s cum in his face. After that, the three girls put him in bondage and whip him with a flyswatter. After warning him not to tell their parents, the triad of sicko sisters communally piss on poor Fred and proceed to rape him again. Of course, little do the three sisters realize that they are about to be on the receiving end of a gang-rape. 

 Led by their dorky pseudo-redneck leader George (Spalding Gray), three ex-convicts, including a negro named ‘Butch’ (John Black) and a Jew-y dork named ‘Pat’ (Philip Marlowe), make their way to Shep’s farm by happenstance while evading police and immediately notice the farmer’s frisky daughters. Before defiling the daughters, anti-gentleman George leads his mischievously merry men to Shep’s bedroom and proceed to rape the farmer’s wife, with black buck Butch being the first one to penetrate the disgraced matriarch with his mahogany mean meat.  When dorky convict Paul attempts a little bit of violent irrumatio on Kate, she fights back by biting his boner. While Spalding Gray tells Shep “Just watch your lady have fun,” the farmer must endure seeing his beloved wifey being vaginally debased by the depraved criminal delinquents. Eventually, the three daughters make their way back to the homestead and find their parents unclad and bound and Shep tells them to make a run for it, but the fugitives soon catch them. After one of the girls calls them convicts, the criminals proclaim that they are “underprivileged” victims who “didn’t have a happy childhood like you kids,” so Mr. Gray comes to the conclusion, “Yeah, we didn’t get a chance to play no game, so we're making up for it now” and forces the three sisters to play a twisted game of Simon Says involving the three sisters being raped by the three convicts while their parents watch. 

 Luckily for the traumatized farm family, farmhand Fred witnesses the sexually sinister game of Simon Says and pulls a shotgun on the convicts, but when the girls run to him for protection, the vengeful male rape victim yells in a hysterical fashion that makes him seem like a undersexed postmenopausal woman, “Get away from me you cunts. No one humiliates Fred Turner and gets away with it. I’ve hated you so long, this is going to be a pleasure.” After shooting Butch for laughing at him, Fred forces mother Kate to give him a blowjob and declares, “It’s not Simon Says anymore. It’s Fred Says.” After demanding that Beth lick his cum off her mother’s face, the renegade farmhand forces the daughters to get in a Sapphic threesome with their mother. When Fred makes the mistake of putting down his guard after getting too overexcited upon forcing the two surviving convicts, George and Butch, to urinate on the girls, farmer Shep uses the opportunity to seize his shotgun and kill all the rapists. Of course, whether farmer Shep will ever get over seeing his wife and three daughters in a foursome together is questionable. 

 Without a doubt, The Farmer’s Daughters is one of the most poorly directed and eclectically inept works that I have ever seen from the porn chic era. Indeed, it seems Zebedy Colt utilized shock value in a half-assed attempt to obscure his lack of directing talents. Of course, with his later works like The Devil Inside Her (1977) and Virgin Dreams (1977), he eventually became a slightly more capable ‘auteur,’ though his innate sadism and undying hatred for hicks surely remained. In fact, Colt was such a cold and callous cocksucker that he managed to strike fear in depraved Jewess Annie Sprinkle—a wickedly wanton woman who become infamous for holding something called a “Public Cervix Announcement” where she allowed audiences members to gaze at her cervix with a speculum and flashlight—of all people during the making of The Devil Inside Her to the point where she “never had any more rape fantasies” as revealed in the documentary Herstory of Porn: Reel to Real (1999). Colt’s unwavering obsession with incest seems to more reflect his own sick mind than those hicks and rednecks that he dedicated his life to attacking with his hopelessly amateurish fuck flicks. Judging by his vulgarly kitschy and overly melodramatic queer ballads and failed acting career, Colt will ironically be best remembered for directing some of the most unsexy and odiously obscene ‘breeder’ blue movies ever made, with The Farmer’s Daughters being arguably his crowning achievement as the most flaming queen of the porn chic era. A sort of masturbation aid for aspiring serial rapists and white trash serial killers like Henry Lee Lucas and Ottis Elwood Toole, The Farmer’s Daughter is as radically repellant as old school fuck films can get as a work that makes The Last House on the Left (1972) seem like an episode of Happy Days. As for Spalding Gray, I almost have more respect for him after seeing The Farmer’s Daughters, though I'd rather endure another Colt flick than suffer Swimming to Cambodia (1987) again. 

-Ty E